You may have seen one this year. He’s an elusive, thoughtful,
often misunderstood creature soon to become extinct. These final
three shopping days may be your final chance for a sighting.
He will be standing quietly in a crowded aisle, ignored by other
creatures who swirl about him like agitated molecules. It is likely
that his hand will be on his chin. He will be thinking,
”
maybe the yellow, but yellow can be trouble.
”
You may have seen one this year. He’s an elusive, thoughtful, often misunderstood creature soon to become extinct. These final three shopping days may be your final chance for a sighting.
He will be standing quietly in a crowded aisle, ignored by other creatures who swirl about him like agitated molecules. It is likely that his hand will be on his chin. He will be thinking, “maybe the yellow, but yellow can be trouble.”
He is the Lone Male Shopper. He is sometimes called “dude” or “bro” by younger males – commonly known as check-out clerks.
Scientists know little about the habits of these creatures. It is difficult to secure research grants because studying the subjects is duller than digging at old rocks on your hands and knees. Graduate students state that at least with a small metal pick you can pound on stuff and maybe work out some anger issues. Lone Male Shoppers tend to stand in place and squint.
But to some, the rareness of this creature makes for fascinating study. The creatures are polite, and the research overhead is low. Whereas the study of, say, a hugely muscled ape could lead to getting your arms ripped off, the risk of confronting a Lone Male Shopper is that he may ask if a 1,000-piece or 5,000-piece crossword puzzle is a better gift for an “89-year-old aunt who’s still pretty sharp.”
However, scientists have managed to unearth a few key findings about these creatures:
n They emerge from lengthy hibernation this time of year. That’s because they refuse to be reasonable and do their holiday shopping in September at the Gilroy Premium Outlets, when everything is relaxed and the tourists from the Midwest are so darn pleasant you just want to help them with directions, suggest a place to eat or help build a garage for them. Never mind that they have a garage already because building a detached single-car garage in California costs more than building an entire home in Ohio.
n Lone Male Shoppers prefer to leave work for a while in the afternoon or shop in the evening. At these times, they sense they’re not being supervised and find this quite exciting.
n There is often a calm tension evident in the Lone Male Shopper. A Zen quality, a mindfulness. This is not to be confused with the calm tension they exhibit when you discover they’re watching the Victoria’s Secret fashion show instead of “Cold Case” or “60 Minutes” or whatever else they said was so absorbing.
n Scientists have discovered that to the Lone Male Shopper, everything “looks good” at the end of the shopping time frame. Inevitably, someone is going to receive a yellow shirt or a frog calendar or bath salts. And later, when the shopper unloads his bag, he will say, “What are bath salts, anyway? Are they sodium-related?”
n Scientists report that Lone Male Shoppers generally are very agreeable and well-liked by department-store personnel, primarily because they are so polite and grateful to receive help of any kind. Clerks say that the solitary shopper is more likely to thank them.
But their sightings are becoming increasingly rare. Stories published in the New York Times Shopping Supplement, National Geographic Clothing Catalog and Debit Card Weekly speculate that in the next five years, the Lone Male Shopper will become extinct.
They will be destroyed by Craigslist.com. Media scientists say this only supports the belief that Craig’s List is destroying everything good in the world.
Lone Male Shoppers are shopping online because it is easy, and they don’t need to leave the house. And when they shop online, alone, they feel more comfortable making noises and gesturing as if watching a football game or screaming answers during a game show.
But the decease of the Lone Male Shopper will make room for an entirely new specimen: the Online Male Shopper, who will offer further opportunities for scientific study. There will be new behaviors to research. Just this morning, for instance – and this is not some kooky deal I just made up – I witnessed my neighbor attempting to buy motorcycle parts online, but he said he was shopping for his wife. I know for a fact she did not ask for Ducati forks for Christmas.
I, for one, will miss the Online Male Shopper breed when it goes away. The creatures’ quiet civility, refreshing air of doubt and lack of pretension will be longed for as we elbow each other out of the way for I-boxes and X-pods.
I believe we will miss the soft-spoken refrain of the Lone Male Shopper: “Great. Thanks. Well, have a Merry Christmas, or whatever.”
