Have you ever been on the receiving end of a phone call from a loved one or friend whose world has just been turned upside down by tragedy? Have you ever groped for the right word to comfort someone whose grief is beyond words? In times like this, many of us opt for a conventional caregiving approach that first tries to settle them down emotionally, then moves to the “fix-it”/”make it better” stage where wise counsel is offered. With this accomplished, it is assumed that with the passing of time, the sorrowing person will return back to normal.
The conventional approach, while popular, is a miserable failure when it comes to actually giving care. Let’s consider an alternative, an approach that can actually give our loved one the care they need and yearn for.
First, instead of trying to help the grieving person get their emotions under control, allow them to grieve as deeply as they wish. In Ecclesiastes 3, we read there is a time to laugh and a time to cry and grieve. God knows there are times when we need to just pour out our pain, raw and uncensored, and genuine caregivers allow it to run its course, whether it lasts five minutes or five hours, and they understand there will be lots of anger and confusion in the mix as well.
When the Bible says we are to “rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn,” that’s true comfort straight from God, and it touches the heart of the sorrowing one with his love. So, when it’s your turn to offer care, remember that you serve them best by liberating them to grieve fully and deeply. Remind yourself that weeping is a critical part of the healing process, and the sooner the heartbroken person is able get the sorrow out, the sooner true healing can come.
Step two: Instead of trying to “fix” the loss by replacing it as soon as possible, allow God to do his work in the broken heart. In Old Testament days it was customary for grieving to last many months. We even find instructions on how it was to be done: dark clothing, eating and refraining to eat certain foods, traveling to special places to reflect on the loss, and the gathering of family and friends for communal mourning sessions. These sorrowing disciplines were followed scrupulously, and the idea God was trying to establish was that heartbroken people should not move on in their lives prematurely. He was trying to stop folks from glossing over or running from the lessons that can be learned through times of loss, because some of life’s richest, deepest discoveries can only be made in the laboratory of loss.
If you want to bring genuine comfort, never try to hastily “fix” people so they can hydroplane over this time; allow them time to understand what God is trying to teach them through the pain. Some of life’s most valuable lessons are learned in times like these. I once heard a man share how he became a Christian in jail through the ministry of Prison Fellowship, an organization founded more than 30 years ago by a man named Chuck Colson. He had lost everything and landed in prison for the crimes he committed while acting as President Nixon’s right-hand man. One man’s loss taught him a lesson that 30 years later became a blessing to another man (actually, thousands of men and women have been touched by this wonderful ministry).
This process has been repeated many times in the founding of organizations like the Polly Klaas Foundation, MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) and hundreds of others. So, next time you have the opportunity to extend care to someone experiencing tremendous loss, instead of going into fix-it mode, allow God to do his work by inviting them to talk about it and work through what that loss means, how it feels, what it teaches them about others and about themselves, and about what they might learn about God and his will for their lives.
Next week: three more steps in God’s approach to caregiving.
