We’re not for sale!
Caller 1: On the morning of the big game when a Gilroy football player picks up the paper and reads these Pigskin Pick ‘Ems, it’s really good to know all these various people don’t think they’re going to win today? What do you think that does to their egos?
Green Phone: Caller 1, we understand your concern, but you know, we can’t exactly tell our panelists which teams to pick. That would kind of defeat the purpose. We’re somewhat doubtful as to how much impact our “expert” picks have on the GHS football team anyway. From what we understand, our Pick ‘Ems were sometimes used as motivation for the team. Besides that, our resident priest always remained on the Mustangs’ side, no matter who they were playing. That’s worth at least three panelists right there.
Caller 2: Yes, this message is for one Marvin Kane. This is Jack Johnson calling from the offices of NES. Return my call once you’ve received this message. This call is not a solicitation and does need a return call from you.
Green Phone: Yeah, thanks Jack. We’ll get right on that.
Caller 3: I was reading Brett’s column and didn’t understand what he meant by Cal having to sell tickets to the Holiday Bowl. Is this a possibility? I’ll admit I don’t follow college football much, but I’ve caught this team a few times on TV and think they’re pretty fun to watch. So anyway, just wanted to make sure they’re still going to the Rose Bowl. I thought that was pretty much a done deal. Thanks.
Green Phone: No done deal, unfortunately. Not by a long shot. At the time, Cal figured it was helped by the Texas win over Texas A&M last week. A Texas loss might have given Boise State a chance to sneak into the top 6, thus assuring them a spot in the BCS and knocking the Bears out. Now, looking back, maybe that Longhorn win wasn’t such a good thing after all. Even with a Texas loss, Boise (currently No. 8 in the BCS) probably wouldn’t have moved into the top 6. And one thing is for sure … the ‘Horns most definitely wouldn’t have been within .0013 of No. 4 Cal, which they are right now. Texas is done in the regular season, but if the Bears show the smallest bit of vulnerablity at Southern Miss Saturday? Well, in the computers at least, they’d be in danger of falling even farther behind the Longhorns than they already are. That might be enough to push Texas into that automatic spot at No. 4 and push the lovable Bears down to San Diego for a scintillating matchup with … Texas A&M.
Caller 4: Two nights in Daytona and three days and two nights in Fort Lauderdale. If you’re one of the first 100 people to respond to this call, you’ll also receive a free all-inclusive Bahamas cruise. Simply press the 9 key on your telephone to speak to a representative. That’s the 9 key. Press it now.
Green Phone: OK, OK, 9 … geez, did Mrs. Green Phone put you up to this?
Caller 5: Damon Poeter’s column should be named “Socialist Sports” because he wants to put socialist kind of controls on NBA owners. These are the creators of wealth in our society, you are just a moocher. Hey, buddy, haven’t you ever heard of laissez-faire capitalism? It’s what makes this country great. I hope your column gets pulled.
Green Phone: Well, Caller 5, we hope you get a nasty paper cut thumbing through “Atlas Shrugged” for the 50th time. Seriously, though, we’re trying vainly to remember the last time we heard “laissez-faire” and “NBA” mentioned in the same breath. A monopolistic league with strict franchising controls, collective bargaining and centrally enforced contracting structures is hardly the exemplar of free market capitalism. And now that you’ve made us drag our sports pages down into the gutter of classical economics, we’ll just leave you with this hypothetical question as it pertains to the unbelievable tolerance the league has for NBA owners who destroy their organizations through incompetence: If you were running a McDonald’s franchise into the ground, how long do you think it would take for the head office to strip you of it? Or is McDonald’s not capitalist enough for you?
