Many congratulations are in order following our successful
staging of the oddest election since Leo X became Pope.
Many congratulations are in order following our successful staging of the oddest election since Leo X became Pope.
First, to California, the first state to officially become a Marvel comic book. This gives new hope to Batman as he ponders a run for the Senate from New York, and word on the street is that voters in Nebraska are very excited about the prospect of the Green Hornet unseating the incumbent state treasurer.
Second, to Cruz Bustamonte, who was Lieutenant Governor before and by virtue of having lost an election is lieutenant governor now, making him the only gubernatorial candidate in living memory to be allowed a Mulligan.
Third, to Tom McClintock, who hung in there through election day despite all the calls to retire from the field, thus allowing us all to determine scientifically that support in California for an uncompromising rock-ribbed conservative ideologue tops out at a whopping 13.3% of the voting population. Now when the right wing lays claim to being the true Republican Party an objective response is available.
Fourth, to Mary Cook, the porn actress: on a ballot with 135 official candidates and 26 qualified write-ins she came in 10th. If this were a PGA tournament, 10th place out of a field of 161 players would be worth a lot of money.
Fifth, to the parents of Arnold Schwarzenegger, who serendipitously gave him a relatively uncommon first name so we can have something manageable to call him without confusion. If they had named him, say, John we couldn’t get away with just saying “John” because then people would say “John who?” but when we say “Arnold,” or to be politically incorrect but even more descriptive, “Ahnuld,” people by and large are going to know to whom we are referring. I mean, having to say “Schwarzenegger” all the time would be inconveniently tedious, and given Californians’ notoriously short attention many of our fellow citizens would forget what they wanted to say and wander off to a Starbuck’s before they completed the enunciation of his name.
Sixth, to Todd Richard Lewis, businessman, who came in last. He is entitled to our appreciation for holding down that crucial spot, for if somebody didn’t bravely accept the responsibility of saying “It ends here, after me there is no more,” the list would just go on forever, much as it appeared to during the campaign. The good Mr. Lewis should hold a special place in our hearts, for with him this unprecedented and hopefully never-to-be-repeated exercise in full-tilt electoral lunacy finally, completely grinds to a halt.
Now, let the games begin. I look forward to the swift and wonderful changes which are no doubt just around the corner.
