OK, you’ve had Thanksgiving. You’ve gotten dressed up, visited
Great Auntie Mildred, eaten too much turkey and fallen asleep
during the Big Game, then woken up just in time to stuff yourself
silly with pumpkin pie. And you thought it was a holiday.
OK, you’ve had Thanksgiving. You’ve gotten dressed up, visited Great Auntie Mildred, eaten too much turkey and fallen asleep during the Big Game, then woken up just in time to stuff yourself silly with pumpkin pie. And you thought it was a holiday.
Please. The real holiday is today. For today is the day that we shop.
That’s right. All across America, people have risen before dawn, showered, shampooed, caffeinated and shined all so they can get the very best price EVER on bath towels at Target.
We’ve stood in line outside of Wal-Mart, leaning against our carts, waiting for it to open. And we’ve beaten off the marauding hordes of shoppers so we can get the very last Mermaid Crystal Barbie.
Because today is the day that the shoppers get a holiday.
But you know the joy of this holiday has nearly been drained out of me. That’s because on this day, the most sacred shopping day of the year, everyone comes out to shop. People who have never shopped in their lives suddenly get the urge to visit the mall.
And that’s where the joy ends. Look, I’ll be blunt. If you’re not a professional, you should stay in the food court. The truth is, on a day like today, where virtually everything on Earth is on sale, you need to be an experienced shopper.
If you are not skilled in the art of racing your shopping cart at full speed from the front of the store to the back where the toys are so you can snag the very last Elmo TMX, you need to get the heck out of the aisles and go back to eBay where you belong.
If you haven’t shopped three times a week for the past year just to stay in top shopping shape, you shouldn’t be out there. If you haven’t spent the entire month of October practicing your credit card swipe until it is perfect, you have no business being in the checkout line.
We professional shoppers prepare for months – sometimes years – just for this day. We have spent weeks at the stores, memorizing layouts. We know the contents of every aisle, down to the end caps. We even know what end caps are. And we’ve spent hours on Thanksgiving studying the ads and making a fully illustrated, color-coded battle plan complete with estimated times of arrival and departure from each store.
And through all this, the amateur shoppers celebrated Thanksgiving because they are under the misguided notion that Thanksgiving is the real holiday. These people talked, laughed and visited with loved ones. They ate turkey and watched football. They didn’t even crack open the newspaper to read the sale ads. And yet, on this most revered shopping day, the amateurs are out in full force, clogging the aisles at Wal-Mart.
I’m telling you, it’s enough to make me cry.
I mean, I’ve spent years practicing my shopping skills until I’m at a point where I walk into a store on the Friday after Thanksgiving and I am filled with the Shopping Force. My finely tuned shopping senses practically drive my cart. I can convince store clerks to search inventory for the hottest toy/gadget/clothing. And they can find it.
And then, just when I’m hitting my full stride as a shopper, about 7:32am, I run into an amateur. It’s usually a woman. She’s dressed in heels – something no professional shopper would wear on day that requires you to be nimble on your feet. She’s stopped dead center in an aisle and she’s sipping a latte while chatting on her cell phone about what Great Auntie Mildred would want for Christmas.
She’s the dreaded shopping boulder from hell. There’s no way around her. The aisles are so full of holiday bargains, there’s only room for one shopping cart per aisle. If I stop and glare at a shopping boulder, she doesn’t get it. She’s too busy chatting on her phone to notice anyway. Frankly, there’s no choice but to ram her cart and push my way past her.
Because on this day, more than any other day on Earth, we shoppers know what we want and we aren’t afraid to kick some amateur shopper butt to get it. Sure that sounds harsh – but 2-for-1 specials on talking cookie jars will do that to a person.
So if you haven’t shopped in months, if you don’t have a plan, do yourself – and me – a favor. Wait until Saturday to go the mall.
Laurie Sontag is a Gilroy writer and mom who wishes parenthood had come with instructions. Her column is syndicated. She can be reached at la****@la**********.com.
