I am not a professional model. Oh, I know one or two of you may
have had your suspicions about this
– especially when you’re looking at the photo that accompanies
this column. And it’s absolutely true. I am not a model, nor do I
play one on TV.
I am not a professional model. Oh, I know one or two of you may have had your suspicions about this – especially when you’re looking at the photo that accompanies this column. And it’s absolutely true. I am not a model, nor do I play one on TV.
But for some reason, I keep getting a catalog for people who think they are models. The catalog is clearly not aimed at me – a suburban mom who only wears makeup when two things happen: a) I remember to put it on; and b) well, pretty much it’s just “a.”
But somehow I got on the mailing list for this fancy, schmancy, makeup catalog. I can only assume that somewhere out in mailing list land there is a list of hopelessly uncool suburban moms who haven’t changed their makeup colors since 1987. And I can further assume that I’m on said mailing list – a safe assumption if there ever was one.
In any event, in the latest edition of this catalog are models wearing what appears to be the newest style at the Ringling Brothers School of Beauty. Their eye shadow is so bright, I had to dim the lights to look through the catalog. I swear, what are these people thinking? Is clown makeup the latest trend?
One model is wearing eye shadow in a color called Mildew. I’m not kidding. There is actually an eye shadow with the name Mildew. How does that sell? I mean, do you really want to walk around with Mildew stuck to your eyelids? It just sounds nasty. What if your friends ask you what eye shadow you’re wearing? Are you really going to say, “Oh, this? It’s Mildew.” For Pete’s sake, everyone will think you ran out of makeup and scratched some stuff up from the bottom of the shower.
Of course, Mildew – the eye shadow, not the icky shower stuff – is bright green, which in a twisted way is logical. I mean, you wouldn’t name green eye shadow Red Rose, would you? Anyway, no matter what it’s called, I’d never wear it. You couldn’t force enough tequila in me to get me to wear this eye shadow. Even if it were named Green Goddess. OK, maybe if it were named Green Goddess. Wait. Wasn’t that a salad dressing or something in the ’70s? OK, so I wouldn’t wear it all, even if it were named after some yucky green dressing, although that is better than naming it after the stuff that grows between your shower tiles.
Another model is wearing what appears to be a tarantula attached to each eye. Trust me when I say this isn’t a look you should wear to a PTA meeting. It doesn’t even look comfortable. Can you imagine how much effort it would take just to blink? You have to lift up 20 pounds of fake eyelash every time.
And what if they got all tangled up? Or the bottom lashes got stuck to the top ones? You’d need emergency surgery to get your eyes to open again. I swear to you, those lashes are just an accident waiting to happen. And you cannot possibly wear these lashes and drive. I think there are laws against it.
If the newest eye trends aren’t bad enough, one woman is wearing feather-tipped fingernails. Yeah, because that’s so practical. Do these women never, ever rinse a dish before loading the dishwasher? Soggy feathers would just ruin the whole look.
OK, maybe, just maybe these would come in handy for the couple with a tickling fetish. But seriously, are you going to walk around with feather nails just so you can have a tickle fight after the kids are in bed? I think not. Oh, and did I mention that she wore matching eyelashes? Apparently it’s very fashionable to match your lashes to your nails. I don’t think that’s a look that will work for me.
So I guess you’re sitting here wondering the really important thing. Will I, an unfashionable suburban mom, a woman who just recently sent her ’80s leggings to Goodwill, only to have them come back into style, actually transform herself into one of the trendy models she sees? I don’t know.
But I’m thinking seriously of trying. I like the eye shadow called Rotting Trash. It’s kind of gray. I think I’d look cool in it. Like one of those models. Only without the big spiders attached to my eyelids.
