Just face it, you’re not as cool as you used to be

At some point when you become a parent, you lose your coolness. Seriously. I don’t know where it goes, but it’s gone. And you, the person voted “coolest” in high school are suddenly lumped in with the rest of the goofy parents – basically every single parent on the planet. There is no escape, no matter who you are or how cool you once were. I’m pretty positive even Mick Jagger’s daughter looked at her dad and thought, “Will he stop with the duck lips? It’s soooooooo embarrassing. And who dances like that at his age?”
Yes, uncool is inevitable. It happens to all of us by the time our kids are teenagers – but you can try to stave it off for a bit by avoiding the following:
1. Wearing normal clothing
There is no easier way to lose your cool than through the clothes you wear. Yes, your child may wear things like Ugg boots with dresses on 106-degree days or baggy basketball shorts with plaid boxers peeking out – but the parent will always be able to embarrass a teenager simply by wearing normal clothing.
For example, the other day I wore a v-necked shirt. It wasn’t a low v-neck, for Pete’s sake. It was a normal v-neck T-shirt from Old Navy. Holy cow, you would have thought the shirt was cut down to my navel. Every time Junior’s friends were around, he would make a not-so-subtle motion for me to pull my shirt up. Seriously? I wore lower cut shirts when I attended Catholic school. Nothing was visible, people. Nothing.
2. Breathing in their presence
Look, if they could stop you from breathing, they would. It’s not that they want you to die; it’s just that they are terrified that your uncoolness is contagious.
3. Listening to music
in the car with the windows down and singing along
It’s not even that you are off-key (hello – that can’t be just me, right?). It’s that you listen to music recorded in the decade in which they were born. Please. These are children who just recently were singing along to “Baby Beluga” and they are humiliated by you knowing all the words to anything by P!nk.
4. Speaking
This is one of the worst things you can ever do to a teenager. Apparently, in teenager land, there exists a law that states, “No parent can ever engage in conversation with the teenager or his/her friends, whether said conversation is meaningful or not. Parents are to remain silent at all times and in fact, it is better if the parent actually leaves the room whenever a teenager and friends are present.”
The only exception to this rule is if your teenager needs money, food and/or gas. Then you are allowed to speak, but only briefly. Basically, you can open your mouth for the exact amount of time that it takes to fork over $20 or a bucket of chicken.
5. Trying to communicate with your teen using current slang
Look, Urban Dictionary (urbandictionary.com) is a scary place. But many parents go there to learn to communicate with their teenagers. This is guaranteed to toss you into uncool territory forever. Trust me. It doesn’t matter what words you learn there, when you open your mouth and say, “You look swagging in that selfie bro, Yolo.” Yeah. I felt stupid just writing that sentence and no I don’t know what it means. But I do know never to say it out loud.
6. Being a MILF.
Sadly, I have no personal experience with this problem due to my fondness for food and the fact that I am allergic to gyms (yes, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it). However, I have it on good authority that no teenager wants a MILF for a mom. If you don’t know what a MILF is, the phrase “Stifler’s mom” may help you.
Of course, in the unlikely event that you have a teenager and are still thought of as cool despite doing all of the above, please do me a favor. Let the rest of us dorky parents in on the secret, OK?