A few weeks back, reporter Kelly Savio contacted me about
joining her on a trip to some local wineries. Kelly’s great article
highlighting local wineries appeared in the
”
Community Pride
”
section that came out last week.
A few weeks back, reporter Kelly Savio contacted me about joining her on a trip to some local wineries. Kelly’s great article highlighting local wineries appeared in the “Community Pride” section that came out last week.
The reason Kelly asked me to join her was not for the pleasure of my company, as I had hoped, but rather for her insecurities about being around wine. “I know nothing about wine. I do not know how to describe wine, taste wine, etc. I do not want to look foolish,” she exclaimed.
I was quick to correct her. I asked, “Can you tell if you like a particular wine or not?” She nodded. “Then, that’s all you really need to know – whether you like a wine or don’t.”
Inevitably, you may find yourself in a position where you are confronted by some wine snobbery or feel inadequate in certain situations when folks are talking about wine.
An article in the Chicago Reader, written some time ago, discussed strategies to use when encountering a wine snob.
The author suggests keeping the following points in mind: Talk about wine as if it were a person, and make your wine observations ambiguous enough to go unchallenged, authoritative enough to stun and/or metaphoric enough to be meaningless.
Try these fun, diabolical descriptions that can be memorized and spewed when the timing is right:
– It knows the steps, but it doesn’t quite dance.
– House of Commons, but definitely not House of Lords.
– The kiss is sweet, but passionless.
– The lyrics are clever enough, but the music isn’t haunting.
– It’s a question posing as a statement.
– More shadow than substance, I’m afraid.
– It’s mannered, rather than mannerly.
– It makes a grand entrance, but a tedious soliloquy.
– It has missed the point, really, but it does have an endearing enthusiasm.
– Feisty little upstart, eh?
– She’s a spunky little harlot who doesn’t know her place, but she finally wins you over with her sheer audacity.
– It may be dressed in a tuxedo, but it’s nothing but a good ole’ boy underneath.
– A wicked child that manages to win you over with charm.
– It knocks on the door, but never takes the opportunity to enter.
– It’s somehow vaulted its checkered geneology and become a gentleman of sorts.
– The heritage is noble, but not the spirit.
– It has rhythm, but it’s giving me the blues.
– It is a diamond in the rough, but a counterfeit, I’m afraid.
– A sad little street urchin – but you may be taken by his pluck.
– It means well, doesn’t it?
– It is like a telegram. The message is there, but not all the words.
– It’s flirtatious, but doesn’t quite seduce you, does it?
– Well, no one would excuse it from being timid.
– It’s a cliche, isn’t it?
If someone asks you to clarify yourself, use the following reply: “Of course, you must be joking. Surely you know what I am talking about.”
This column has been in jest, and I would never encourage anyone to be mean or a smart-ass.
I am going to encourage the readership to e-mail me their favorite descriptions or ones they have heard. At the end of the month, I will review all the submissions and anoint a winner. The winner will receive a bottle of wine from yours truly, hopefully one that is “not a cliche!”
Cheers!
David Cox is a wine enthusiast and executive director of St. Joseph’s Family Center in Gilroy. He can be reached at wi**********@***oo.com.
