I assume you are all aware that our once-cutting edge cell
phones are now obsolete, at least with the exception of the handful
of you who have already availed yourselves of the very latest and
cutting-edgiest in telecommunications technology.
I assume you are all aware that our once-cutting edge cell phones are now obsolete, at least with the exception of the handful of you who have already availed yourselves of the very latest and cutting-edgiest in telecommunications technology.
That would be the phone now heavily advertised by a large unnamed company whose unnamed name begins with “Nex” and ends with “tel,” which in addition to being a normal cell phone also has a two-way walkie-talkie feature technically known as “direct connect.” Now, in the commercials currently hawking this gotta-have-it product we have some poor luckless person trying to call some other person on his or her puny, embarrassingly antiquated normal cell phone, only to hear that person’s voice-mail message, as the direct result of which the caller is eaten by wild beasts, which the called person could have prevented if they had only answered the phone.
In scenario number two the same caller, using the exact same phone calls the exact same person at exactly the same time, only this time using the direct-connect feature, and this time the called person is magically right there on the line! Is that incredible or what – just by paying a reasonable sum for this marvelous new feature on your phone you can make people who weren’t there before suddenly appear.
Now at first glance this does sound like the cure for many a headache; no more getting the all-too-frequent “Hello, this is Saddam Hussein. If you’re calling between the hours of 10 and 4:30 Monday through Friday I can’t come to the phone because I’m out oppressing my people, but if you leave your name and number I’ll do something horrible to you just as soon as I can. Have a nice day.” If Saddam had such a phone General Franks could just call him and HE’D HAVE TO ANSWER – isn’t that cool? Then we could irritate him to a painful death by describing in detail the many reasons why he should change his long-distance service to another provider.
Perhaps at this point you’re wondering how this could possibly be true. Well, I’m on your side, so I called the aforementioned unnamed company and voiced, on your behalf, my skepticism. It turns out that (1) both caller and called have to have this feature on their phones, so you can’t pull this on just anybody; (2) the called person has to have their phone turned on but is just choosing not to answer a conventional call; and (3) the only difference is that with direct-connect instead of hearing the phone ring the called person hears your voice, which they still have the option to ignore. However, the assumption seems to be that if the called person actually hears your dulcet tones begging and pleading to be spared being eaten by wild beasts they won’t have the heart to ignore you.
In other words, this major breakthrough in telephony is a device which allows you to give the called party a big, insidious, thoroughly sadistic dose of guilt, shaming them into taking a call they otherwise would leave for later – hooray for technology. Oh boy, doesn’t this sound like something you suddenly can’t live without? I mean, there you are, say, in a public restroom, cell phone in your pocket or purse, and suddenly the facilities are filled with the shrill but melodious voice of your mother demanding that you pick up the phone this instant and talk to her because she just has to tell you all about Uncle Mortie’s prostate surgery.
The possibilities for disaster stagger the imagination as we wave good-bye to the last shreds of freedom from perpetual availability. In fact, being eaten by wild beasts is sounding better all the time. As long as they don’t call first.
Robert Mitchell practices law in Morgan Hill. His column has appeared in The Dispatch for more than 20 years. It’s published every Tuesday.
