I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been much for spending a
lot of time with nature.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been much for spending a lot of time with nature. It’s not that I don’t like it. I mean, almost everyone loves to experience a little fresh air and leafy foliage once in a while. It’s just that I prefer to experience mine while walking from my car, through the parking lot, and into a mall.
That said, there’s really no logical explanation why we went to the annual fishing derby last weekend. A day not only chockfull of nature – but fish.
Now keep in mind that when I say “fishing,” I use the term loosely. It wasn’t the kind of fishing where you wake up at dawn, row out into the middle of a peaceful lake and wait quietly for hours on end. Noooo. This is the kind where you show up at around nine, sit in a cushy beach chair, and leisurely cast your line into a pre-stocked pond while eating chips and swilling diet soda. In other words, my kind of fishing
But wait. Not so fast. Before you break out the tackle box and lures and go running off to sign up for your own local fishing derby, let me warn you of a few important details.
The first thing you need be aware of is that you have to choose the bait. Everybody knows that you need some if you want to do some serious fishing. However, there are several different kinds of bait, all of which are, well, icky. And chances are there will come a point in your day where you will actually have to choose between anchovies or live worms.
After much debate with my kids, which involved words like “gross” and “chicken” and “ewwie,” we finally settled on using something called Power Bait, which smelled awful, but somehow didn’t seem so bad because it looked like Play-Doh and came in hot pink.
The second thing you should know is that there will be hundreds of other people sitting in cushy chairs on the dock with you. This is kind of nice, really, except for the fact that there will also be that number of lines in the very same pond where you are fishing, and after about five nanoseconds your line will be tangled up with everybody else’s, looking like one gigantic macramé afghan.
However, strangely enough, there is a mysterious void that comes between casting into the pond and getting tangled up, which is known as the Window of Opportunity. This is where, as they say in some circles, the action happens.
Which brings us to the biggest problem of all: catching a fish.
Never mind that you’ve been sitting in the sun all day, holding your pole waiting for this very moment. Once you catch one, you will have live fish on your hands. A LIVE FISH. And not just any fish, mind you, but chances are, it’s a really mad 31-pound trout that is probably contemplating some form of horrible retaliation once on dry land.
However, tricky me, I had a plan. If I saw my children actually reeling one in, I’d do what any nature-conscious, outdoorsy type would do: I’d flail my arms wildly and shout, “Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!” Then I’d toss the fish back in the water and run away.
OK, so it may not sound like something out of Marty Stouffer’s “Wild America,” but at least nobody gets hurt.
Luckily, as it turned out, I didn’t have to worry. In the end, our haul consisted of mostly seaweed and bottle caps. And, oh yeah, we came away with lots of fish stories about dexterous 5-foot trout that, amazingly enough, always manage to get away.
And, hey, that’s perfectly fine with me. I say the best thing about fishing is that you don’t have to catch a fish to have fun. All you need is a nice pond, a cushy chair, and enough bait to last the day.
And, oh yeah, don’t forget the chips.
