Recently, I have noticed a trend amongst my friends that is slightly, well, disturbing. Actually, it’s more than disturbing, it’s downright frightening. And weird. Not to mention just a bit strange.
My friends, you see, have taken up a new hobby. They’ve been camping.
I just don’t get it. I mean, I like the great outdoors as much as anyone else – but I believe the great outdoors is best when viewed through freshly cleaned windows.
I’m not kidding. When you are just looking outside – as opposed to actually BEING outside – there are no bees, no scorching sun beating down on you and most of all, there’s none of that pesky nature stuff.
But my friends are camping – and, as horrifying as it sounds, they’re inviting me. I don’t know what to say to them. I mean, don’t they know me well enough to know that I never, ever intend to go a day without indoor plumbing?
Frankly, I like a good shower. I do not like wandering around in the dirt for days – and then finding out I smell like it. Or worse.
And let’s not even get into the obvious inadequacies of outdoor toilets, OK? I’ll be honest here; my idea of roughing it – with regard to toilets – is having to use a gas station bathroom along I-5. I don’t even want to THINK about what’s available at a campsite.
So I don’t understand why my friends are suddenly gung-ho about camping. Look, let’s consider the options here. I can pack my entire household up, ship it to some dirty campsite without running water, use a shared port-a-potty, set up a large fabric cube to sleep in, shower using the community hose that has cold and colder running water – if I’m lucky enough to even get that – and then I can cook and clean just like I do at home.
Or, I can go to a hotel. I can sit by a pool. I can shower in my very own shower in the hotel room. And I can do so without wearing a bathing suit and my flip-flops.
If I want to eat, I lift up the phone and tell someone to bring me food. And when I am finished with my food that has been prepared by someone else, I do not get a bucket of water from a community hose and start washing, I just leave the dirty dishes outside my door.
Yeah, I’d choose camping over THAT. Heck wouldn’t everyone?
And yet – strangely – many people do choose camping. In fact, when I Googled camping, I got over 17 million results.
It seems people actually enjoy being outdoors and sleeping on the ground. There are even camping clubs. Groups of people who so adore camping that they band together and share their experiences.
I can’t tell you how awful that sounds.
Oh sure, there are benefits. I mean, who doesn’t like a good campfire and a s’more? But I’m telling you – you don’t have to sit around some dark and dusty campground, swatting at mosquitoes to enjoy a toasted marshmallow. Heck, use the fireplace. Or a gas stove. And in a real pinch, I’m sure a microwave would turn out a delicious s’more.
And if you actually enjoy being in a lake or at the beach – you don’t have to sleep there. Lakes and beaches have hotels nearby.
Really. I speak from experience. The last time we went camping was 1989. Harry and I went to Pismo with some friends.
And we set up our tent – which was delightful. A hot pink number we inherited from Harry’s parents, who got it really cheap because of the color.
Anyway, once our tent was up and the food, stove, clothing, sleeping bags, water buckets and ice chests were all unloaded, and Harry had gone to the beach, I left the campsite.
And I found a hotel. And I paid darn good money so that I didn’t have to sleep on the sand.
And you know what? Every single one of our friends called me a chicken.
Yet, oddly enough, every single one of them sang a different tune the next morning when they asked to use our bathroom. And its shower. With cold and HOT running water that nobody had to put in a bucket.
So I guess I do know what to say the next time someone invites me camping. I’ll just smile, pick up the phone – and make a reservation.
