I don’t want to alarm you, but I’ve just learned some very
disturbing news: Snakes are on the loose.
I don’t want to alarm you, but I’ve just learned some very disturbing news: Snakes are on the loose. Now, it’s not like I go around looking for this kind of information, mind you. There I was peacefully reading the paper, not once thinking, ”Gee, I wonder what all the snakes in the world are up to today.” But suddenly there it was, a big headline reading ”Rattlesnakes taking Over the Planet.” Or something like that.
And, really this shouldn’t be much of a surprise to anyone. I mean, snakes come out of their holes around this time every year. But, until today, I had managed to conveniently block this bit of knowledge out of my mind.
Oh, it’s not that I have anything personal against snakes. I’m sure they’re very useful for a lot of things like, say, controlling garden pests and guarding ancient tombs. But, you see, my year is divided into two seasons: Spider and Snake. Both, I feel, are equally heinous and terrifying. But right now I’m more concerned with the latter since it’s a known fact that Memorial Day is the annual kick off of Snake Season, which lasts through the summer and into fall. Possibly longer.
No one knows for sure why snakes choose this holiday to emerge and run amok and not a more culturally appropriate one. Some scientific types might say it has something to do with the warm weather. Others, more spiritual types, may say it has to do with tidal charts and moon positions. Me, I blame the barbecues. My theory is that the smell of grilling meat causes all the-snakes-in-the-world to suddenly wake up and go in search of hot dogs and beer.
One of the big problems about snakes is, you see, you can’t avoid them because they are sneaky. I mean, you never, ever see one come bounding up the pathway, drooling, holding the newspaper between its teeth. They prefer to lurk in bushes or underneath rocks and then to magically appear out of nowhere. Face it, your day could be going along completely snake-free and then suddenly Whamo! THERE’S A SNAKE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU!
The other problem is that there are a ton of other things in this world that look just like snakes from a distance – especially when you’re not wearing your contacts. Take for example, twigs, the garden hose, pieces of rubber tire, long rubber bands, spaghetti, the letter S. In fact the other day I was almost attacked in the back yard by a particularly snake-like jump rope.
Oh sure, I’ve tried to cure my fear. I’ve read nature books on how helpful snakes are. I’ve tried Zen breathing and hypnosis. I’ve watched the ”Jungle Book” movie 18 bazillion times and I know more about the secret life of snakes than, well, snakes.
And, you know, all that stuff works. Sort of. For a while, I start to believe that snakes are really my friends, much the same way as I believe that Elvis really was spotted in the linen aisle of a Wal-Mart store and that overpriced thigh cream I saw on a late night informercial will get rid of my cellulite.
However, as soon as I read something like this in the paper, I’m right back where I started.
But, really, let’s be fair here. On some level, I know that my fear is irrational and that snakes are really useful creatures, and that any chance of actually being attacked by one, while driving the carpool to the soccer team pizza party, is iffy at best.
So that’s why I’ve decided that there’s only thing to do: face my fear and overcome it. This snake season I’m going to look the garden hose straight in the eye, and I’m going to stop evaluating every crack in the sidewalk or piece of rope lying on the ground for snakelike characteristics.
After all, there’s plenty of room on this planet for myself and, say, one snake. Maybe two.
But only if they’re small.
