I would first like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press
Association for making this article possible. I don’t know who the
foreign association people are
– no one does, my neighbor could be one of them – but Monday
night at the Golden Globes, they were thanked 8 billion times.
So, like, thanks foreign press dudes.
I would first like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for making this article possible. I don’t know who the foreign association people are – no one does, my neighbor could be one of them – but Monday night at the Golden Globes, they were thanked 8 billion times.
So, like, thanks foreign press dudes.
The Globes have always had a reputation of being a kooky televised party where the stars of Hollywood drink heavily and speak off the cuff, and the awards are said to serve as an indicator for what films will win Oscars. So I gathered with an expert – my 18-year-old daughter – and we watched.
We will now provide you, who may be a member of the foreign association, with valuable insights on how this Globe thing will pertain to Oscars. We also have a few words of expert advice for the people running the Academy Awards show.
We can tell you this for certain: Sexual identity and pills are the winning tickets. “Boring Hillside” (oops, make that “Brokeback Mountain”) will bring in a pickup full of Oscars. “Brokeback” is a 9-hour film about two guys in hats and boots who get together in a kind of brief, savage way and then meet every few years with so much angst that audiences wish they’d just get an apartment together and stop torturing everyone.
It is full of longing and sweeping vistas, nothing like the gritty Annie Proulx story upon which the movie is based.
Also, count on “Walk the Line,” a movie about Johnny Cash and his interactions with the highway patrol on Saturday nights, to win big. I’m only kidding about that highway patrol reference, but I tell you, Johnny ingested enough pills to induce the entire National Football League into a long nap.
Another valuable insight is that Felicity Huffman will win for best actress for her portrayal of a transsexual in “Transamerica.” This is a good thing because Huffman’s day job is on “Desperate Housewives,” which has become annoying and bombs more and more each week. So maybe Huffman will get more work in movies. We hope so, because her name is Felicity and that’s so cool. Huffman reportedly did a terrific job in “Transamerica,” a film no American has seen but is said by her agent to be a hit in Iceland.
Our other valuable insights have to do with how the Oscars can be made entertaining. It normally starts out pretty fun, but by the 10th or 11th hour we’ve switched to “Law & Order” reruns on TNT. Not even an appearance by the wacky, volatile and unstable Sean Penn can save the show.
My expert advisor’s first piece of advice is to include as much George Clooney as possible. On Monday night he won the first award, a nod for supporting actor in “Syriana,” and immediately quipped, “It’s early, I haven’t even had a drink yet.” His fabulousness was not lost on my advisor. I reminded her that she is 18, making Clooney old enough to be her dad, or at least her accountant. She was not deterred.
“I love George,” said my advisor. “He’s, like, my hero.”
My hero was Scarlett Johansson, for reasons I don’t care to elaborate upon. Let’s just say billions of perfectly moral and ethical men, decent men, good men, all over the world hope she wears the same dress to the Academy Awards.
But where were we? Oh yes, based on the Globes telecast, my expert advisor and I believe that certain people must be included in the Oscars telecast. They are:
Steve Carell. The star of television’s “The Office” and the film “The 40-year-old Virgin” is essential to the broadcast. The man is insanely funny. His acceptance speech at the Globes for his win as best actor in a musical or comedy was so hysterical that another winner referenced it later in the show.
Sandra Oh. Let her do something. Anything. Just get her to the microphone. She is cute, quick-witted and has the right energy. When she won a Globe for best supporting actress in a series, mini-series or movie, she got lost on her way to the stage. Anyone who gets lost trying to find the stage will add levity to the leaden Academy Awards.
Hugh Laurie. So the star of television’s “House” isn’t in movies. Middle-aged women all over the world don’t care. Get him up there. Laurie’s acceptance speech Monday night was inspired. He said there were too many people to thank, so he wrote names on a bunch of pieces of paper and put them in his pocket. He said the three names he drew would be the people he would thank. In the process, he used the word “trousers.” American awards shows need words like that.
Geena Davis. Her dress looked like it was designed by the Michelin Man, her television show is dumb and she hasn’t been in a decent movie since “Thelma and Louise,” but the Oscars show needs her. Put her on. She told a story on Monday night then admitted it was a lie. We loved it. I will vote for her for president.
Two other actors that will be at the Academy Awards for certain are Joaquin Phoenix and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Keep an eye on those two. Phoenix won Monday for his role as Johnny in “Walk the Line,” and the guy is, shall we say, a little off. Pills. Maybe it was the pills. Maybe he went too far with the method acting.
Hoffman was the only winner who did not thank the foreign association. He must be a subversive and requires a close watch.
And there are two people the Academy should think twice before inviting. Globe winner Rachel Weisz, who won best supporting actress for “The Constant Gardener,” had extremely disturbing hair. She looked like she had a model of Candlestick Park on her head. Her hair is too frightening for young Oscar viewers.
And what about Melanie Griffith? She appeared to have emerged from a meth lab in Riverside County.
“What’s with that tattoo?” asked my advisor. “It’s terrible.”
I say keep Melanie away unless she smokes a cigarette on stage. That might be fun.
Well, that should be enough insight for this year. You are now armed with enough knowledge, gathered using only the latest scientific methods, to navigate the upcoming Academy Awards.
You can thank my advisor and me if you like. But be sure to thank the foreign association. Just to be safe. One of them could be a family member, or even your boss.
