He may have only been gone a year, but things have changed for
Nick Davis, a 19-year-old college student from Hollister.
After his first year at the University of California, Riverside,
Davis came home to an all-female household.
His parents are separated, so he’s been living with his mom and
four sisters, ages five through 20. Readjusting to the number of
women around him has been strange, he said.
n by Melania Zaharopoulos Staff Writer
He may have only been gone a year, but things have changed for Nick Davis, a 19-year-old college student from Hollister.
After his first year at the University of California, Riverside, Davis came home to an all-female household.
His parents are separated, so he’s been living with his mom and four sisters, ages five through 20. Readjusting to the number of women around him has been strange, he said.
“They’re getting along OK,” said Davis. “It’s just that coming back seems a little weird. The house seems a lot nicer. I have no idea why, but it’s a little more tough because you’ve been away from them so long, and you haven’t stayed used to the way they do things. When I’m at school, I can go out with my friends at 12 o’clock at night and not have to check in with them.”
For kids and parents alike, the first summer after college may be a little different, a little strange.
It’s because freshmen like Davis return home from their first year different people than the adolescents who waved good-bye in the fall and both sides need to adapt, said Edna Dowell, a Gilroy-based marriage and family therapist.
“I think a parent has a reasonable expectation for polite behavior on the part of their adult child, but in many cases, parents revert to treating the child the way they did before they left for school,” said Dowell. “The child starts behaving in the same way, showing some immature behavior, and they blow up at one another.”
Dowell’s fix-it advice is challenging, but brief: assume nothing, clarify everything.
“I’m not advocating long-term counseling or anything, but a family might want to look into something like four sessions or, at the very least, make very clear the expectations that each person holds for one another.”
Parents should to talk between themselves to discuss which old rules can be let go, which can be modified and which must stand, then talk to their child before they come home, said Cecilia Clark, spokeswoman for Community Solutions in Morgan Hill.
“It’s typically an anticipated time, but no one communicates about it,” said Clark. “The kids are coming back to reconnect with their friends and have a vacation, and the parents are looking forward to getting to see their kid for the summer. It can be very disappointing for both of them if they’re not clear.”
The clashes that happen between parents and their adult children during this time are all part of a natural process of establishing one’s own autonomy, said Clark. College, she added, is simply a means for the transition.
Parents and their children should talk over their views on free time, chores and money, said Dowell, but both sides need to learn how to respect one another, she added.
“If the adult child has a private bathroom that guests have to use, it’s reasonable that they should keep it neat and clean, and it’s reasonable, if your parents have a smoke-free house, for them to expect you to smoke outside,” said Dowell. “They can’t say, as your parent, ‘Don’t smoke!’ because that will has been removed from them.”
Families also should not ignore that some of the angst between parents and their children is also caused by fear, said Dowell.
Just as in the summer after high school, the time immediately after college graduation, by societal standards, is expected to be full of growth and change as graduates move on, take jobs and become self-sufficient, said Dowell. Unfortunately, it rarely happens that way, she said.
“You’ve worked hard for your degree, and you’re expected to be self-sufficient and have a job, but you don’t,” said Dowell. “It’s embarrassing, and it effects self-esteem because there’s this below-conscious level of anxiety that you’ve returned to the womb, and you’re never going to be out there and flying free. The same thing happens for parents.”
Changes may be more pronounced in a family once the last child is out of the house, too, said Dowell, since the parents have also become accustomed to their own independence.
“There are two things I tell parents that if you don’t have, you’d better get: a decent relationship with God, however you define God, and a sense of humor,” said Dowell. “There are times when you get pushed beyond your human endurance, when you come home and everything you’ve asked for or agreed on has not been done, to the detriment of your plans.
“You have to laugh. It’s that or (you may do) something awful.”
