Good morning, readers! During the past couple of weeks, I have written about what some of you may perceive as the usual struggles of child-rearing. But others might not understand the difference between raising natural children versus stepchildren. I mean, a kid is a kid, right?
It sounds simple, but it’s not. Along with stepchildren come divorced people. This often creates an unpleasant environment involving an angry and hurt non-custodial parent. This parent is usually watching the child (or children) being raised by a “replacement parent” with much resentment.
Let’s not pretend that divorced people in a custody battle wouldn’t “do things” just to be vindictive. I guess the difference in some divorces is the level of viciousness that inevitably follows.
Realistically, if two people can’t agree on raising a child in the first place, how can three or sometimes four adults agree on one set of rules that makes everyone happy? We become conditioned to believe the worst in each other. In some cases, when a child tosses out a tiny piece of information, it’s like a pebble in a pond. The other biological parent receives the info like a lofted bowling ball, followed by tidal waves of misunderstanding, assumptions, conflict and games of revenge. The first game that comes to my mind is the “clothes game.”
For those of you who don’t know about the “clothes game,” it’s when you send your child to visitation wearing nice clothes, and he or she returns in something awful and two sizes too small. Personally, I’ve lost count of how many of my daughter’s coats I’ve never seen again.
My resolution was to buy “transport” clothes from a discount-clothing store. I find something decent off the 99 cent rack that fits properly, so if I don’t get it back, it’s not a major loss. I know this sounds petty – and on some level, I think it is petty – but I can’t afford to lose $50 in clothes every other weekend. Shoes, coat, jeans, shirts and yes, sometimes even underwear. Sometimes kids come home wearing nothing but a bathing suit, and it’s aggravating.
People who don’t understand suggest I “just go to court,” as if that were a simple task. But it doesn’t work. A judge doesn’t want to hear about these things and waste time talking about clothes. Trust me; I know.
Then there’s the “new car game.” This is when the parent who should pay child support but is way behind on payments arrives in a brand-new car, still claiming he or she can’t afford the child support. As soon as the accusation about the car is made, the respondent either claims an excuse for financial hardship or says the car was a “gift.”
A judge may agree that buying a new car was irresponsible when child support is overdue, but a judge usually cannot find contempt in a person’s right to buy a new car. I don’t have a solution to suggest for this; it’s just frustrating.
I’m sure there are families who co-parent in a cooperative way, but they’re rare and I applaud them. For the rest of us, the games continue, and while we throw blows like Rock’em Sock’em Robots, the kids are stuck in a swap of molasses, waiting for the right card to be played.
As a mother, I know my natural instinct is to protect my kids. When I see them drowning and there is nothing I can do, then what? How is this resolved? And how do I avoid playing the games?
I’ve set my own game rules, starting with avoiding conflict. I don’t participate in visitation exchanges unless it’s unavoidable, and if I must go, I don’t get out of the car. I don’t interrogate the kids when they come home, but if they offer information, I listen with interest and refrain from comments that might suggest disapproval. I hug them when they leave and when they return.
I have accepted that I cannot control another household. It is what it is. If the kids come home smiling, what else matters? I stay focused on them, their needs and what I can do for them.
And lastly, if it doesn’t come in a festive box with a folded board and little colorful plastic pawns, dice or a pop-o-matic button in the middle, I don’t want to play it.
Lydia Eden-Irwin and her husband were both raised in Gilroy. They have three kids collectively and have spent the past four years meeting the challenges of blending two broken households into one great family. Lydia can be reached at ed*****@*ol.com
