I frequently serve as a judge in our local traffic courts, and
before commencing each session I have to give everybody a little
speech about their rights and about the system itself, how it works
and all.
I frequently serve as a judge in our local traffic courts, and before commencing each session I have to give everybody a little speech about their rights and about the system itself, how it works and all. One of the things I tell them is that they have a choice of three pleas – guilty, no contest and not guilty. Traditionally those have been all the choices you get, but I’m considering adding a fourth, which under present circumstances seems only fair, and has been approved by the highest levels of government.
This would mean that in the future I will be saying something along the lines of…
”Ladies and gentlemen, when your case is called I will inform you of the charges against you and I will ask you how you wish to plead. These are your choices, so listen carefully.
”A plea of guilty means that you are admitting that you committed the offense or offenses with which you are charged. You are waiving all your Constitutional rights regarding a trial, and you will be sentenced today, usually with a fine.
”A plea of no contest means that you are not contesting the charges against you. This is treated the same as a guilty plea for the court and for the Department of Motor Vehicles; however, such a plea may not be used against you in a civil suit in case you were in an accident that resulted in the ticket you are here on today. As with a guilty plea, this means that you will have a conviction on your record and you will be sentenced today.
”A plea of not guilty means that you deny that you committed the offense or offenses with which you are charged, and you are requesting a trial at which time the charges must be proved. This also means that you will be returning to court on another date to have your trial.
”Finally, there is a new choice called the Rumsfeld plea, in which you say ‘I accept full responsibility.’ This means absolutely nothing. Under the Rumsfeld plea you volunteer to take the blame but you pay no penalty. Since this plea creates liability without consequences I am sure you all will want to carefully consider the advantages of entering it. In fact, there are additional benefits which I should describe to you to aid in your decision.
”Of course, this plea derives from the plea entered by the current Secretary of Defense in testimony before Congress on the subject of prisoner abuses in Iraq. The Secretary freely and publicly stated that he accepts full responsibility for those abuses; however, nothing adverse to him flows from that acknowledgment. He does not fall on his sword, he does not resign, he does not even take a pay cut. In fact, as part of his testimony he volunteered that the victims of the abuse and their families should perhaps be compensated for the activity for which he says he is responsible. However, he does not propose to provide such compensation out of his own pocket; it will of course be the taxpayers who will pay the bill.
”Therefore, in the interests of equal protection for those accepting responsibility for wrongdoing, if you offer that any victims of whatever you did that got you this ticket should be compensated for their damages, someone else will be expected to take care of that for you so you are not inconvenienced in any way.
”Now some of you may be saying to yourselves that this is too good to be true, but I assure you that this form of plea is real and has been successfully employed by one of the most powerful people in the country, on television. If he can do it, why not you?”
Freedom from consequences: just another of the precious freedoms brought to you by the merry band at the Bush administration.
