”
‘Til death do us part
”
can seem a simple promise to make on the wedding day, but with
the American divorce rate hovering around 50 percent, many couples
don’t make it that far.
“‘Til death do us part” can seem a simple promise to make on the wedding day, but with the American divorce rate hovering around 50 percent, many couples don’t make it that far.
It takes a lot of work to keep a marriage happy and healthy, and couples who’ve been married for decades cite the three C’s – communication, commitment and compromise – as some of the secrets to making a marriage last.
Sandoe and Mildred Hanna, of Gilroy, have been married for 71 years – an anniversary that most people don’t reach. The couple started dating after Mildred, taking an extra year at Gilroy High, became friends with Sandoe’s younger sister. Sandoe’s mother asked him to chaperone his sister at a party, where he noticed Mildred.
“I danced a couple times with her, because she was the oldest girl there,” said Sandoe. “I looked at her face when I took her back to sit down – she was all flushed. So (after) a week or two, I went out to see what she was flushed about.”
“We’d always known each other,” Mildred added, “but he never paid attention to me until he danced with me.”
The couple married April 14, 1934, when they were around their early 20s, and started a family shortly after – one girl and three boys. Sandoe worked as a machinist, eventually opening his own shop. Mildred took over the bookkeeping for the family and the business. “She still furnishes me with my spending money,” joked Sandoe.
The Hannas credit the success of their marriage to compatibility and communication. “We get along.” explained Mildred. “One thing we’ve always said, is never go to bed and take your problems with you. Solve them before hand. Don’t keep grudges, and don’t ever call anybody stupid.”
“Just never make derogatory remarks,” added Sandoe.
The couple also agreed it was important to be flexible and willing to compromise in a marriage. “Don’t get too fussy about details, having to have everything perfect,” said Mildred.
Amadeu and Mary Lima of Hollister celebrated their 52 wedding anniversary July 4 this year. The couple, who emigrated from Portugal with their two children, have lived in the area since 1959.
The Limas were neighbors in Portugal, and grew up together. When Amadeu was 20 and Mary 15, they began to fall for each other. “We looked at one another, make a few words here and there, but all afraid, running away before people see us,” said Amadeu, describing their early relationship.
“And then one time she said, ‘You know, my father said you can ask for permission to talk to me if you want.’ So I had to go, kinda nervous.” Mary’s father gave permission, allowing them to talk at a window or go to the local recreation lodge, provided they were chaperoned. Five years later, they married.
Responsibility towards each other helped keep their marriage together, said Amadeu. “We followed our obligations, our commitment.” he said. Married in the Catholic Church, they try to uphold their wedding vows. “When we went to the altar, that was the agreement,” explained Amadeu.
Mary’s explanation was simpler: “We love each other.”
Both couples started a family within a year of marriage, so there wasn’t much time to adjust to living with each other before kids came into the picture. Mildred appreciated the support of her children throughout marriage. “Our children were always here for us,” she said.
Amadeu found that his relationship with his wife has deepened now that it’s just two of them. “We have a better relationship and more time for each other with less responsibility,” he wrote. The couple eats dinner together every night, and spends a few hours together before going to bed. “These three hours keep us very close.”
Amadeu offered a few words of advice to couples considering marriage – think seriously about the commitment it requires. “Don’t get married if you’re not sure.” he said. “Don’t get married just to get married.”
