It’s Halloween
– the one night of the year when the ghosts, goblins and greedy
roam the neighborhoods demanding sugary substances. And we give
into their demands. Once a goblin rings that doorbell, it’s a
free-for-all with the candy bowl.
Now I don’t have a problem with that. I’ve had my share of
Halloweens where I ate until I was literally sick.
It’s Halloween – the one night of the year when the ghosts, goblins and greedy roam the neighborhoods demanding sugary substances. And we give into their demands. Once a goblin rings that doorbell, it’s a free-for-all with the candy bowl.
Now I don’t have a problem with that. I’ve had my share of Halloweens where I ate until I was literally sick. But back in the bad old days, when I trick-or-treated from a covered wagon, we had a few guidelines that we followed while we were out haunting the neighborhood.
1. If you are dressed head to toe in black, covered in gray gauze and carrying a hatchet, you aren’t scary. Trust me. Every other 8-year-old boy is dressed exactly the same as you. There are so many grim reapers out on Halloween that you could just go to the same house over and over again, until your candy bucket was full and nobody would know that it was the same grim reaper each time.
Look, if you want a truly scary costume – go as a trial lawyer. Take little business cards and threaten to sue anyone who gives you a fun-sized Twix instead of a full-sized Hershey with Almonds. That would be scary.
2. If your voice has changed, you are too old to trick or treat. Look, I don’t judge trick-or-treaters based on height. I’m not one of those moms who stands and at the door and says, “Aren’t you a little tall for this?”
I’m a short person. I know height challenges, and I’m sure that being tall is just as bad as being short (only you can reach the top shelf in the kitchen – which is a distinct advantage). But if your voice has changed and you are thinking about shaving
more than once a week, you are too old to be trick or treating.
3. If your child cannot eat solid food, he’s too young to trick or treat. Please, I think babies are cute. And I’m positive that when yours is dressed up as a fat little pumpkin, she’s too adorable for words.
But if your child doesn’t have any teeth, we know that you are going to eat the candy. And if you are a parent, you are too old to trick or treat. You need to do what the rest of us do – stay home and eat all the candy you are supposed to be handing out to kids.
4. If you can drive from house to house, you are too old to trick or treat. Do I need to explain this guideline? I don’t think so. I think we can all agree that if you drive from house to house you are too old and too lazy to trick or treat.
5. If you don’t like the candy I hand out, trade with your sister or your best friend or your dog. Don’t ask me for a different piece. Look, I have to be honest. Most of the time I buy either a) candy I hate – and trust me, it’s hard to find candy that I, Queen of the Sweet Tooth, won’t eat; or b) I buy the candy at the last minute when all that is left is the really icky stuff that nobody else would buy.
This is because I love candy. I can’t resist it. And if I bought candy I liked well before Halloween, I’d have a butt the size of a small house, cavities in every tooth and absolutely nothing left to give away to trick-or-treaters.
And really – once you get done eating all the good stuff, you’ll be on such a sugar rush that you won’t even notice that you are eating “bottle caps” or some other nasty tasting candy. I know this from personal experience.
6. And last, but not least, if you really want to scare adults this year, say “thank you” to them when they give you candy. Nothing is more frightening to an adult than a pint-sized urchin with a sugar buzz that is truly polite and respectful. I guarantee you’ll get some shocked looks and horrified screams.
At least you will at my house.
