What to do about all the diet news these days; I’m so confused.
Eat lots of fruit, eat lots of carbs, don’t eat any carbs, eat lots
of chocolate, stop eating altogether.
What to do about all the diet news these days; I’m so confused. Eat lots of fruit, eat lots of carbs, don’t eat any carbs, eat lots of chocolate, stop eating altogether. Have you noticed how all the fast-food chains pick up on the headlines and start offering stuff to suit the diet-of-the-month? Now all you Atkinsians can get a burger without the bun, while the vegans among you can get a fresh McSalad. Next they’ll be boiling the French fries in holy water for absolution of culinary sin.
It’s the Balkanization of food. Increasingly these diets are being touted like cults – gotta be pure, gotta believe, gotta just do it one way. You go full-tilt Atkins and you’re not even allowed to watch an orange juice commercial or your eyes will gain five pounds. You follow the Gospel According to St. Veggie and you can’t even have a little chicken soup when you get a cold unless the dish is defined as water in which a live, happy chicken took a bath.
Lord knows I try to dabble in health now and then, I really do. For example, the day doesn’t go by in which I don’t have my fair share of vegetables. Coffee comes from beans; beans are a vegetable. That’s all I need to know. Health, consciousness, and the jitters all in one nutritious food; and if you’re awake more hours of the day, that’s gotta be the functional equivalent of living longer, not to mention the exercise you get from pacing the floor. Can you get that many benefits out of cauliflower or okra? I think not.
But my big hang-up comes from the all-too frequent pronouncements of the food authorities that “all diets work, to a degree.” How many times have you heard that? Well, I only want them work to a degree – I mean, I don’t want my weight to go to zero. Just a few pounds off the top, trim the sides, and I’ll be fine. So if they all work, wouldn’t it make sense to do them all?
This is my schedule: Monday, Atkins. Nuttin’ but meat, although none of it can be red – that’s a whole other issue with which I’ve been wrestling for years, to the point where I’m about ready to just buy a steak and bleach it. Tuesday is grazing on salads and veggies, much like the cows I avoid — if you can’t chew ’em, join ’em. Wednesdays is for whole-grain bread, olive oil and cheese in emulation of those super-healthy ancient Greeks who had great strength, perfect bodies, and usually died around age 30, probably from a build-up of excess health.
Thursday is fresh fruit day – lots of grapefruit, a highly venerated category of diet. I try to schedule my court dates for Thursdays because when my face is all puckered-up I look mean and intimidating; clients appreciate that. Friday is reserved for seafood; not only is it time by then to get my omega-3 oils so they can do whatever wondrous thing omega-3 oils do (I’m not big on a lot of nutritional details), but at the same time I get so much mercury that I can take my temperature whenever I want – an additional convenience the FDA doesn’t talk about much.
Saturday is all-doughnuts-all-the-time, which is a diet of my own devising. Hey, if I’m going to follow everybody else’s plans all week I should get a little personal input too, and I say doughnuts, umm, doughnuts, uhhh … wait, I’ve got it: Doughnuts taste terrific which relieves stress and stress is bad for your heart so eating doughnuts regularly is part of a heart-healthy diet. Are you buying this? I am.
And of course Sunday I starve because eating large servings of nothing is also a recognized diet. It’s been proven; people who eat way too little live longer, although they’re really crabby.
Finally, The All-Encompassing Ecumenical Please-Everybody Diet. And to think I’m just giving it away. Another best-seller that will never be. And the talk shows – I coulda been on “Oprah.”
