This morning, I sat before my computer, punched in orders and
waited for the outpouring of love that would flow my way. You know,
e-mail. Messages from friends, family, ex-girlfriends, Jude
Law,
 Barbara Walters and the many, many people who tell me I am
their Electronic Love Man.
This morning, I sat before my computer, punched in orders and waited for the outpouring of love that would flow my way.
You know, e-mail. Messages from friends, family, ex-girlfriends, Jude Law, Barbara Walters and the many, many people who tell me I am their Electronic Love Man.
Instead, I got the newest most-annoying word in the English language: bulk. It’s the latest telemarketer-calling-during-dinner – you know, the e-mails that contain some heart-wrenching sob story of someone in a land far, far away who needs YOUR help to overcome his or her dire situation. Can you please send a check – right this instant – for millions of dollars?
Bulk is electronic Styrofoam. Bulk will kill you. Bulk crushes the spirit.
Mostly, bulk is a scam. You get multiple bulk and say to yourself, “Millions of people all over the world want to steal from me.” You worry about banking, about credit cards. You think there are too many numbers in your life, and you know they mean harm.
You reminisce of the days when e-mail was your friend, except for the time you got mad, reacted too quickly and fired one off to someone in the office and, well, what are you gonna do, you’re an emotional player.
Bulk has become so sinister that the Federal Trade Commission announced its “top 12 scams most likely to visit you by e-mail.” Oh, yeah. E-mail crime. You don’t even need a water gun to rob people. You just gotta say “hi” and act like you’d be a wonderful stranger to get to know.
I know men have angled to steal each other’s money since we oozed up on a beach or were created in someone’s image. But it would be nice if I got pictures of friends’ new puppies in my personal e-mail instead of money-laundering scams from strangers.
So anyway, bulk mail is No. 2 on the FTC’s top 12 list. Bulk-mail dudes can buy lists of e-mail addresses and send “have-I-got-a-deal-for-you” messages to millions of people. Millions. In China. Nevada. Lompoc.
No. 1 on the list is “business opportunities,” otherwise known as pyramid schemes or nuclear-yield investments. That kind of stuff.
But my personal favorite is No. 6: “effortless income.” For a hall-of-fame underachiever like me, this is the ticket. You don’t have to do anything except write a little check to cover expenses or paperwork. Then sit back, do nothing and earn enough cash to buy a lot full of Yugos.
And my favorite in the effortless income category is, of course, the Nigerian fraud e-mail. There are books on the subject, such as “Nigerian Scam Revisited” by Gary Baines. And Web sites – entire Web sites. My favorite is the one that features a “Nigerian fraud e-mail gallery” of 540 actual letters.
I looked at one written by a “Dian James.” She says she is the only daughter of a cocoa merchant and her pop “was poisoned to death by his business associates.” That’s gotta hurt. She says he left her $8 million is U.S. currency in an account, and if you help her out, you’ll get 15 percent.
But she’ll need money for expenses. Your money.
I guess a few folks sent her some. If I had 15 percent of $8 million, I could afford three semesters of state college for my daughter. It’s enticing.
The fact that the FTC has taken the time to educate us about this stuff shows how pervasive it has become. We don’t stand a chance. At some point, one of them will get us. Since I starting writing this, I have received two. The best is a “promotion award” from the Netherlands. I never did anything to any Nether-people, yet one of them wants to steal from me.
It is simply the latest in modern communication. And all I wanted was to open my e-mail and pour my heart out to loved ones. Instead I got a head full of bulk.
