Ask any woman what she can’t live without and she will most
likely tell you her purse and a good moisturizer.
Ask any woman what she can’t live without and she will most likely tell you her purse and a good moisturizer. Now, I don’t have anything against moisturizer, but I am seriously starting to have evil feelings against my purse. Look, carrying a purse is like carrying a 20-pound suitcase on one shoulder, all day, every day for your entire life. It’s literally a pain in the butt – or back.
But we women can’t live without our purses. Oh sure, there are some women who just carry around a wallet – but those women are fooling themselves. And they probably have a huge gym bag locked in their car trunk filled with everything that would normally go in a purse.
Women need purses. We need all the junk inside. I swear to you, purses are like urban survival kits. All those receipts crammed into the bottom of the purse? Those can be used for everything from exchanging blouses, to gum wrappers, to note paper, to emergency toilet paper when your four-year old HAS TO GO NOW and there is no bathroom within 20 miles. And that old lipstick? It’s a pen, a crayon, and a makeup kit for a bored little girl in the grocery cart. Don’t even get me started on what you can do with a roll of 32-cent stamps and the scorecards from miniature golf.
Men don’t get this. They don’t understand that women must carry purses. They make fun of us. What they don’t realize is that they have purses, too. They’re just carrying them around their waists. Look at a man, any man. Hanging from his pants or stuffed in his pockets are cell phones, pagers, PDA’s, a wallet, a business card holder, a mini flashlight and a pen. And men wonder why they need suspenders to hold their pants up.
Don’t bother asking a man to hold your purse. Even the most secure man doesn’t want to do it. It’s a threat to his he-man hunkiness. Have you ever watched a guy standing outside a dressing room with a purse on his arm? Every time a person walks by, the man will yell, “still holding your purse, sweetie!”
And heaven forbid that you should ask a man to get something from your purse. Most men would rather walk on hot coals than dig into a woman’s handbag. Which is just as well, because most women don’t want anyone to look into their purses anyway. We don’t want anyone coveting all the useful junk we’re carrying around.
Of course, from time to time, we women need to change our purses. Some women change theirs every day, so that their outfits and their handbags are perfectly matched. I cannot do that. For one thing, I’m not really that fashion conscious. For another thing, I’m usually running late and frankly, it’s asking enough of me just to have socks that match, let alone a purse. But even fashion victims like me have to change purses at some point. Purses wear out and seasons change and well, at some point, your bag becomes too small for the 20-pounds of receipts, old lipstick, stamps and golf scorecards you are storing in it.
At that point, women have a dilemma. Do they toss the junk from the old purse into the trash and start out with a fresh, clean purse? Or do they just get a bigger purse and transfer all the junk from one purse to the next? Or do they just store the old purse, junk and all, on the top shelf of the closet?
Personally, I opt for the store-the-old-purse-on the-top-shelf-of-the-closet solution. For one thing, you never know when you are going to need to return something, so all those receipts might be useful. And if I ever decided to work out, I could use the purses as 20-pound weights. And what if Junior becomes the next Picasso? It’s unlikely, but suppose he does? His drawings done in hot pink lipstick on Target receipts may be worth millions someday.
Of course, to get the millions, Junior will have to hold some of the purses while I look through them. I just hope it doesn’t damage him for life. Maybe he can stand next the closet and yell, “Still holding your purse, Mom!”
I just hope he’s secure enough to do that. I wouldn’t want to ruin any he-man hunkiness Junior has when he grows up.
Laurie Sontag is a Gilroy stay at home mom who wishes parenthood had come with a how-to guide. She can be reached at
am************@ya***.com
