Apparently, I have too much time on my hands. There’s trouble in
Iraq, the economy is anemic, but these are not the things that are
troubling me. I’m disturbed by different things.
Apparently, I have too much time on my hands. There’s trouble in Iraq, the economy is anemic, but these are not the things that are troubling me. I’m disturbed by different things. Some are just pet peeves. Some are deep matters that will confound even the great thinkers. I usually unload these items on my wife, but she’s not home right now. Do you mind listening?
Has anyone ever seen Yasser Arafat and Ringo Starr in the same place at the same time? I don’t think so. Doesn’t that seem suspicious to you? Put their pictures together side by side. I’ll bet their mother(s) couldn’t tell them apart. If Arafat can play the drums, that seals it. Two dead Beatles and now one is the leader of the PLO.
Where do motivational speakers come from? Is there a school where they learn to be spellbinders? Were Rev. Sun Yung Moon and Charles Manson the bad kids at that school? What have any of these guys actually done except convince us that if we really put our minds to it, we can accomplish anything – especially if we send them three affordable payments of $39.95 for the tapes and videos. For a couple hundred dollars, we can go to their revival meetings and get pumped up – at least until we wake up the next morning.
The Dewey Decimal System makes absolutely no sense. Two books that rightly sit side by side in the bookstore would be four aisles apart at the library. It’s goofy. Get rid of it.
My wife married me for my sense of humor. How do I know? Why else would she marry me? Without it, I would still be single. When we were courting, I carefully scheduled the release of my five jokes so that they would carry me through to the wedding. Now, it turns out, they’re not funny anymore. How can this be? She says she’s heard them a hundred times, and I say if they were funny in 1981, they should still be funny now. We guys can’t be expected to keep coming up with new material. It’s too much pressure.
How about Joe Montana and Barry Manilow? I’ve never seen them in the same place at the same time either. I’d like to give Joe a few beers and then have him sing ”I Write the Songs.” Why isn’t Mike Wallace on this?
Here’s a question that I bet even the boys at MIT can’t answer. How does lint collect in your navel? This phenomenon has never ceased to intrigue me. It may only be a matter concerning hairy-chested men, but it is an interesting phenomenon to be sure. Put your mind to that one Steven Hawking. Is the navel some sort of bodily black hole that pulls in lint from the far reaches of your clothes? It’s not as though there are small patches of lint here and there, with a greater amount in your navel. No. There is a mass of lint rivaling a dryer lint trap that is stuffed in there as if compacted by some swirling gravitational force.
How the heck does a guy like Ryan Seacrest host American Idol or get his own TV show? Where do they get these reality TV hosts? Do television producers drive up and down Sunset Boulevard looking for no-talent men moussing their hair and carefully arranging it in a stylishly unkempt look? Must be.
Golfer Craig Stadler and Seattle Seahawks Head Coach Mike Holmgren. Look closely. I think they’re the same guy too.
