It has always been my policy to love and respect all living
things, all the time. Nobody loves and respects like I do. Not even
Oprah, who loves and respects almost all the time.
It has always been my policy to love and respect all living things, all the time. Nobody loves and respects like I do. Not even Oprah, who loves and respects almost all the time.
But even Oprah had an annoyance eruption last week. Did you see that girl go? She had writer James Frey on her show, the guy who wrote about what a bad time he had with drugs and recovery, and it turns out he faked parts of his story. By now, his story is probably that he had a few beers at a baby shower and misplaced his car keys.
So Oprah, who had promoted the guy’s book a few months ago, invited him on her show and expressed her annoyance really well, to about 850 million people. If the guy isn’t drinking now, he ought to be thinking about it.
The point is that annoyance is all around us. Even though I love and respect all the time, I sense that the world is more annoying than ever. If Oprah gets annoyed, it can happen to anyone. Â
Since I don’t experience anything but love and respect at all times, I asked friends and acquaintances and colleagues if any annoying things have happened to them lately. Turns out, as I suspected, the world is a virtual tsunami of minor irritation.
Taken as isolated incidences, these annoyances are not dangerous. But should they start piling up, you’ll end up like one of those guys on Fox News. Angry. Loud. With disturbing hair.
Here are some things that happened in the last week to people I know:
n One of you went to a coffee place, there was a line and the person ordering at the counter wanted a Humungo White Chocolate Mocha. Then the person returned to the front of the line to make sure the 40-ounce drink was made with nonfat milk. You wanted to tell the person that there are six pounds of sugar in one Humungo White Chocolate Mocha, so what the hey is a little regular milk.
n One of you went to dinner at a restaurant, your friend ordered a simple menu item and politely requested no peanuts. The waitress brought the food, and crowning the meal were enough peanuts to feed a herd of elephants. After the legumes had been meticulously picked off and the rest of the mean eaten, the waitress returned to the table and said, “I just remembered the no-peanuts thing. You’re not allergic, are you?”
n One of you got stuck behind someone on the freeway who continually applied the brakes, and for no apparent reason. It was especially aggravating because they were going 42 mph to begin with.
n One of you went to a movie over the weekend and was subjected to three big-screen, digital-sound advertisements and eight previews. You were exhausted before the movie even started.
 n One of you worked on your taxes until your head became so heavy you had no control over it. You moaned and said, “I don’t want to pay taxes because they suck, and I don’t like what they use them for.”
n One of you attempted to open a purchased item but couldn’t penetrate the packaging. Scissors had no effect either, so you tried a sharpened axe. The a) compact disc, b) lunch meat, or c) container of soup exploded across your living room, causing enough emotional distress to warrant a frivolous lawsuit.
n Someone you love was eating dinner and the phone rang. That person picked up the phone, was greeted by a telemarketer and slammed down the phone. All small animals and children in the home became frightened.
There’s more. We didn’t even get into some of the stuff that happened at the office. And some of you actually attempted to deal with a health-insurance situation. You know what happened. You got annoyed. You questioned all of existence.
Maybe you cursed. Maybe you pounded the steering wheel. Maybe you threw a peanut at a waitperson. Or maybe you came to a realization. You understood why “Desperate Housewives” must go away, now. You understood why our culture almost seems to enjoy medication.
It’s an annoying world sometimes. But since I feel love and respect at all times, I know how to deal with it. That’s right, I’m writing a memoir. It will be about my neighbors. There will be some true stuff, mostly about their dog, and some stuff I make up. That’s how books go these days.
Hopefully my book won’t annoy Oprah. She does, after all, get people reading, which I figured was impossible. And when she gets annoyed, she’s rough. But if my story/memoir makes a couple million bucks, I can handle annoyed people. I’ll return their annoyance with love and respect.
