From the Edge
Everywhere I go, people are talking about the Olympics.
Should Hamm give up his gold? Has the world passed us up in men’s basketball?
When did jumping on a trampoline become a sport?
Whatever the topic, it seems it’s all-Athens, all-the-time these days.
That’s why I concocted the crazy idea of staying up all night. I wanted to keep you, the faithful reader, well-informed on the Olympic events you might not be seeing during your relaxing, post-dinner viewing.
So a few days ago, I headed over to 7-Eleven, packed up on my old college diet of Doritos and Red Bull and plopped myself down for a grueling Olympic marathon
My starting time was midnight. My finishing time was the end of the USA men’s basketball game.
And my self-imposed rules would disallow any non-Olympic programming or non-sanctioned sleep in between.
Yes, it sounded like such a good idea at the time.
Midnight – Wait, what channel is Bravo?
12:02 – Bravo’s studio host is Otis Livingston, best known of course for his work at WKCO in Spokane. Honestly, though, Otis is getting a little too excited about this upcoming women’s basketball quarterfinal game.
12:03 – It’s Spain! It’s Brazil! It’s … the fourth quarter? Seriously?
12:03:43 – Just broke personal record for amount of time watching Bravo in one sitting. An historic moment, no doubt.
12:08 – Didn’t take long for the first Queer Eye Guys commercial. Or for me to realize why I had never watched Bravo before.
12:27 – While the Brazilian players have the all-one-uniform, volleyball-look going on, their old-man coach is wearing black jeans and a T-shirt. Somewhere the Queer Eye crew is boarding a plane to Athens.
12:34 – Coverage begins on NBC, where weightlifting is – and I quote – “defined as one of the most direct manifestations of human strength.” Wow. Thanks, fellas.
12:36 – Apparently weightlifter Hossein Reza Zadeh is considered “the most popular man in Iran.” Interesting factoid. Figured it was one of those long, white-bearded, “down with America” dudes.
12:39 – I tried watching sailing. I really did.
12:40 – Back to weightlifting, where we’ve moved from “snatch” to “clean and jerk.” Yeah, I don’t know either. But I swear this Armenian guy just filled up my entire screen.
12:49 – I now have sailboat excitement on Bravo and women’s hammer throw on NBC. Oh, the choices we have to make.
12:58 – The sailboat stuff ends with the Israelis winning gold. No word yet on how Al-Jazeera is spinning this one.
1:00 – A reality show called “Boy Meets Boy” suddenly appears on Bravo. A little more warning would’ve been nice.
1:13 – You have to wonder if these triathletes are really enjoying themselves. Honestly, I’m getting tired just watching them.
1:32 – I know it’s borderline treasonist to say, but is anyone else a little sick of seeing Sinatra plugging Visa from the grave every commercial break? Go away. Seriously.
1:59 – Time to watch the primetime replay on NBC. Time to pretend this stuff didn’t happen 23 hours ago.
2:00 – I love this cheesy intro where they show the most beautiful parts of Greece set to that Olympic anthem. Just once, can we see like the back of a factory? That would be great.
2:23 – Tell me again how I’m supposed to get excited about “a rousing showdown from Peace and Friendship Stadium?”
2:51 – Come back from an exciting trip to the laundry room and it looks like our men’s volleyball team is about to lose to the Greeks, who have clearly cornered the market on long names. I’m not kidding … they’ve got letters running down their sleeves.
3:02 – Charter doesn’t offer Telemundo? Is this a joke? You don’t know how much I was looking forward to a little Spanish-language, Australia-Cuba baseball.
3:21 – Now that was exciting … our volleyball team just completed a remarkable comeback from almost-certain elimination against the host country. But my fairly loud “Yes!” after the clinching point elicits a bang on the wall from my next-door neighbor. Dirty communist.
3:26 – Oh look, it’s everyone’s favorite Balconian, Marion Jones.
3:47 – Never knew taekwando could be so fun. These guys look like they’re about to rip each other’s spines out. But hey, when you put a Filipino and a Norwegian together, I guess that’s too be expected.
4:00 – It’s the U.S. vs. Spain in men’s hoops, which Jim Lampley tells us is “the moment of truth” for USA basketball.
4:02 – But first … canoeing! America, we asked for more live canoeing. At long last, it is here.
4:25 – Hummer is providing a commercial/Sinatra-free broadcast of the basketball game. Thank you, oh god of the gas guzzlers.
4:31 – According to LeBron James, the team would not consider it a failure if they did not win the gold. Just gives you goose bumps, doesn’t it?
4:49 – I’m pretty sure this Duenas guy for Spain has that “really hairy” disease. I’m not kidding … huge patches of hair cover his arms and blanket his neck. It’s horrifying. I think I just saw a rabbit burrowing near his left elbow.
4:58 – My internal clock is still college-based. I’m used to 4:58 in the morning. But honestly, the eyelids are starting to take control.
5:14 – Have … to … stay … strong
5:23 – Break out the ice cream and the Red Bull. I’m in full-survival mode now.
5:36 – On a 12-3 run, the bench players of the “best of the rest” Dream Team are up and excited. If I didn’t know better, I’d think they actually cared.
5:40 – Oh wait, my laundry.
6:01 – Stephon Marbury nails yet another three, giving our guys a nine-point lead with less than four minutes remaining. If this is like the NBA, I’ll get the chance to sleep in approximately 45 minutes.
6:04 – The U.S. team hits two more three-pointers than their three previous games combined. Yes, there’s nothing like a rematch of the Spanish-American War to get the boys all fired up.
6:06 – Just when the lead gets down to five, Marbury comes through again and all but clinches it. Stephon knows I need to rest my eyes. What a nice fellow.
6:13 – Light is starting to creep through my window shades. Always a nice feeling when you have yet to sleep.
6:15 – Just when I think this thing is over, the Spanish coach does a Gatlin-like sprint toward Larry Brown, pointing his finger and yapping away about some unnecessary timeout. Dude, we won the war. Madrid and the Canary Islands belong to us now. Get over it.
6:19 – After six-plus hours, nine sports and a tiring bout of Olympic fever, I’m finally free to get myself a good morning’s sleep. I doubt I’ll be getting many zzz’s, though. I’m sure Sinatra and that hairy Spaniard will be singing a duet in my nightmares.
Brett Edgerton is a staff writer at The Gilroy Dispatch. He can be reached at
be*******@gi************.com
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