Mother’s Day is Sunday. Being a custodial stepmother, this is an odd day for me. It never feels totally fulfilling. Even though I am the full-time mother to these kids, when the day comes to celebrate being a mom, I don’t qualify. I feel abandoned and overlooked by society.
Maybe I shouldn’t feel this way, but when the kids are gone on this day, I am very aware of their absence and it doesn’t feel right. The argument of who “deserves” Mother’s Day is worn out, but ultimately, I know that my husband is eternally thankful for me being here, raising these kids, and I am grateful that he gets it.
He thinks I should have at least half of Mother’s Day. The general consensus, however, is that I am NOT their “mother,” and children should be with their mother on Mother’s Day.
I went to an online message board regarding the subject of Mother’s Day and brought up my question. Most women felt that children should be with their mother on Mother’s Day. This makes me wonder what the criteria are to qualify as a mother.
Did I give birth to my stepchildren? No. Neither do adoptive parents, and neither do foster parents. Do adoptive mothers consider themselves worthy of Mother’s Day? I’d bet my life on it! Foster mothers? Under certain circumstances, I’d bet on that too.
I am doing everything a mother does. I make sure all of my stepchildren’s needs are met on a daily basis. I pack lunches, attend parent-teacher conferences and help with homework every day, among doing a hundred other things in the house. I certainly FEEL like I am their mother. Does that count?
I used to think, bitterly, that it was totally unfair that I do most of the work and get so little glory. I keep telling myself to accept that this is the way it is. I realize that I do get plenty of glory almost every other day of the year, and I’ve decided to try to think of Mother’s Day as a day of rest.
However, I’m not completely satisfied with that resignation. I think there should be another kind of day of recognition: Stepmother’s Day.
This would be a day much like the traditional Mother’s Day with a barbecue, tons of munchies and a cooler full of icy drinks … but with some suggested changes.
First, all of us stepmoms should gather together for one colossal celebration! We should recognize each other and how hard we work facing certain challenges. I would suggest that Stepmother’s Day be in August, mainly because there isn’t any other holiday in August, and it should be on a Saturday. This would allow potential partiers to celebrate long into the night, without the looming concerns of work the next day.
I mean, why do we celebrate Mother’s Day on a Sunday, anyway? That means the party has to end early. Who decided this? “Mothers of the world, you may have half a day to be honored for all that you are.” That’s just not right.
Let’s make Stepmother’s Day a full day to acknowledge women for bravely facing all of the subsequent issues that arise when children come from broken homes and require intense nurturing. We should give awards for things, such as “MVP” (most versatile parent) and provide Oscars for award-winning performances when we must abstain from (over)reacting to certain circumstances that are beyond our control.
We need to recognize “perfect attendance” awards to those stepmoms who are available diligently to fill their role as “mom” on a daily basis. “Outstanding achievement” should be awarded to the stepmom who has shown the most progress in adjusting to her new and challenging role.
And, most importantly, there should be an award dedicated to the “stepmom of the year,” the ultimate award in recognition for long-term dedication, selflessness and patience. This is a woman who can look past the bitterness and always focus on what matters most.
This is a woman I aspire to be. I don’t claim to be perfect. But as a stepmom, I try really hard (as I know the rest of you do) to manage as a third party with all of the responsibilities of a birth mother.
I’m going to keep mulling over this idea for Stepmother’s Day. I’ll see what I can do about planning a local event, maybe something such as a potluck at Christmas Hill Park. I’ll let you know. In the meantime, if you’re interested, e-mail me at ed*****@ao*.com. I’d love to hear from you.
To all of you stepmoms, I raise my glass! On Mother’s Day, know that you are appreciated and understood. Keep up the good work – and enjoy your day off!
Lydia Eden-Irwin and her husband were both raised in Gilroy. They have three kids collectively and have spent the past four years meeting the challenges of blending two broken households into one great family. Lydia can be reached at ed*****@ao*.com.
