It’s been a little more than a year since Ron and June Gorman
lost their only son. And the pain just doesn’t go away.
”
He was our baby,
”
June said of Daniel, who died last year at the age of 33.
”
He was a wonderful son.
”
It’s been a little more than a year since Ron and June Gorman lost their only son. And the pain just doesn’t go away.
“He was our baby,” June said of Daniel, who died last year at the age of 33. “He was a wonderful son.”
But the hardest part for anyone, especially parents who lose a child, is replacing the word ‘is’ for ‘was’ in those statements. And this has been the case for the Gormans, who have been forced to deal with losing Daniel suddenly.
However, they can remember every detail from the chilling phone call they received from across the country last year, when the hospital in Atlanta repeatedly tried to reach the Gorman family, finally found that they were out of town and made the call to inform them about Daniel’s death.
“August 11, 2002, we received a phone call from Grady Memorial Hospital stating our son had been admitted that day with heart problems,” said Ron, a retired California Department of Forestry firefighter who has lived in Gilroy since 1947. “He died around midnight on the 11th.
“We were in Coldwell, Idaho, at the time for a wedding,” he continued. “It was a mini family reunion. The guys were going golfing and the ladies were going shopping. It all came to a screeching halt.”
Daniel’s mother, who retired from her job at Trevis-Berry Transportation, described him as a healthy young man, and he had no sign of heart problems before the day he was admitted into the hospital.
After growing up in Gilroy, graduating from Gilroy High School in 1987 and attending classes at Gavilan, Daniel took a job working for Safeway in San Jose. However, with some pushing from a friend and after a vacation in Georgia, he decided he would try living in Atlanta.
“He liked the area and thought it was time for a change,” June said.
However, life in the South wasn’t exactly what Daniel thought it would be like, and he was making plans to return home before he his passing.
June remembers Daniel as the one child in the family who never talked back to his parents and always wanted to go with them on trips instead of hanging out with friends.
“If he had the money, he would be a world traveler,” his mother said.
Daniel had already visited Holland, Ireland, England, Malaysia and Hawaii, and he had plane tickets for his next journey, to Germany, before he passed away.
“England was his favorite, though,” June said.
The Gormans can list off many other things that described their son and made him special – things like his love of cooking, drawing, gardening and cars – and they enjoy telling stories about his life, like how he was on top of one of the towers of the World Trade Center the day before the towers fell while on one of his many trips.
“I know anyone says this about their child, but he was a very nice, compassionate, caring young man,” June said.
But after Daniel’s death, the Gormans, who also have two daughters and are raising a granddaughter, struggled to move forward.
“We tried everything,” June said.
The couple began doing counseling, but it wasn’t working.
“It wasn’t enough for us,” June said. “We wanted more.”
Ron and June began looking around for a support group and found one in Santa Clara.
“We joined a support group called Compassionate Friends,” Ron said.
The group, which also meets in Salinas, holds monthly for parents who have lost children. And Ron said being with others who had the same experience was helpful for them to begin to take steps toward relieving the pain.
“I think the main thing is having people there that are experiencing the same thing you are,” he said. “If you haven’t lived it, how would you council someone.”
June also was moved by the group.
“You can cry, you can share,” she said. “And it’s confidential.”
“Or you can not share,” Ron added. “You can sit there and not say a word.”
Through Compassionate Friends, the couple found out about another support group called Griefshare, and visited its program at Family Community Church in San Jose.
“It covers all the grieving process,” Ron said of the 13-week Griefshare program. “We were really impressed with the help it gave us. There’s really nothing in the South Valley that was offered, so we thought we’d do it.”
But making the decision of switching from attending counseling meetings to facilitating them was not an easy one for the Gormans, who are still dealing with their own grief.
“We feel we’ve made some progress,” Ron said. “We feel that we’ve progressed enough that we can do this.”
June said that it seemed natural for them to reach out to help others who were dealing with the same pain that they were.
“All this time (while we were attending grief meetings), we were talking about helping others,” she said. “If you can help someone else, you can help yourself at the same time. We’d been tossing this around and praying about it.”
And June’s prayers were answered.
Soon after she began praying, June saw an ex-neighbor at the grocery store and found out that she had recently lost her husband. She had just begun the grieving process.
“She needed help,” June said. “I think that clinched it.”
After finding out that Gilroy might not yet be large enough for a specialized grief program like Compassionate Friends, Ron and June found that a Griefshare program seemed like a good fit. Ron contacted Griefshare through its Web site, and he and his wife decided to purchase a $400 program that includes materials including 13 weeks of videotapes.
First Baptist Church in Gilroy, where Ron has been a member of since 1947 and June is also a longtime member, decided to loan the space for the weekly meetings and will house the Griefshare materials.
“We decided to put it in the church library so it will stay here.”
The couple has put flyers up for the non-denominational support group, which will begin Oct. 19, at area churches and they also have them available at the Habing Funeral Home.
The support group is free and includes will meet from 7 to 9 p.m. on Sunday nights in room EB 106 of First Baptist Church, 8455 Wren Ave. There is an optional workbook for the classes that can be purchased for $15.
The group will be led by the Gormans and and Estella Hoey, whose husband passed away three years ago.
The Gormans have no idea what the turnout for the group will be, but they are hoping that people who don’t think they have any place to turn to will find strength through the support group.
“If we can just help one person, that’ll be a success,” June said. “And if it is a success, then we’ll keep it going.”
According to Ron, the experience of losing a family member has given him a different outlook on life.
“It’s a life-changing thing,” he said. “You look at things a lot differently.”
June has been changed through finding out how long it takes to get through the pain.
“A month after it, you still need the support,” said June, who added that often people forget to ask how someone is doing or give them a call and offer a hug or lend an ear. “We were guilty of that, too. You have a whole new outlook on it.”
And while the couple tries to reach out to help others during their time of need, the Gormans, who are reluctant to take any credit for starting the group or to even mention the purchase of the materials for the programs, said it doesn’t make them special in any way.
“We’re not unique,” June said. “We just know there’s so many people who are hurting.”
For more information about the Griefshare Support Group, call 847-6000 or 846-6872.
Griefshare
Griefshare is a free, 13-week program to help those who are grieving over the loss of a loved one. The program, which will begin at 7 p.m. Oc.t 18, is non-denominational and each session is self-contained, so people do not have to attend each session in sequence. Each week’s two-hour session includes a video and time to share:
Week 1) When Your Dreams Fall Apart
Week 2) The Seasons of Grief
Week 3) The Emotions of Grief (Part 1)
Week 4) The Emotions of Grief (Part 2)
Week 5) When Your Spouse Dies
Week 6) Your Family and Grief
Week 7) Where is God?
Week 8) Your Greatest Resource
Week 9) Stuck in Grief or Moving On
Week 10) Growing Through Grief
Week 11) Grief Recover Tool Kit
Week 12) God’s Spiritual Hospital
Week 13) Longing for Heaven
