While sitting in traffic the other day, I looked over at the man
in the next lane. He was bald and driving a convertible with the
top down.
While sitting in traffic the other day, I looked over at the man in the next lane. He was bald and driving a convertible with the top down.
I think to drive a convertible one should have hair that will blow in the wind. I have hair that will blow in the wind. All this man had was a shiny scalp that reflected the sun’s rays.
I’m sure he bought the car because it suited him, unaware that people would be able to count the age spots on top of his head. Some people decide to purchase a car based on price, some on size and mileage, and some because it’s equipped with all the bells and whistles. But before a car is purchased, a test drive must be conducted.
A test drive is taken with a person you just met, don’t trust and who wants to be your new best friend. Climbing into the car, he tells you how amazing the machine is. Buckling up, he’s all smiles. He smiles because he wants to sell you a car. He smiles because he has just entrusted his life to a stranger by getting into a car and riding to a strange place. I say, let’s have some fun and see how long that smile lasts.
Step 1: Bring along your cell phone. Once seated behind the wheel, start calling everyone you know. You do this to create a realistic enactment while driving, as most of us hold 99 percent of all meaningless conversations in our car. Explain to Mr. Car Salesman that the reason you need a new car is that you dropped your cell phone in your old car, and when you leaned over to pick it up, you crashed into a tree. He’s now squirming and smiling simultaneously in his seat.
Step 2: At a traffic light, roll down all the windows and crank up the music. Tell him to look at surrounding motorists to see if they’re holding their ears. Next, increase the volume and wait until his eardrums rupture. It’s not until you see blood oozing out of his ears that you know the music is at the correct volume. He’s still smiling as he watches your lips move, only he can’t hear what you’re saying as he’s gone deaf.
Step 3: Bring along the family if test driving a family car. Since the kids are hungry and whining for food, stop off at McDonald’s. You must buy Big Macs and orange soda. Mr. Car Salesman and your kids must eat in the back seat. It’s cute how he catches the french fries as the kids throw them at one another. Sadly, he was a little to slow when it came catching the soda before it landed in his lap. Now it’s an uncomfortable smile on his face as the little tykes keep touching the wad of tissues on his lap.
Step 4: Ladies, this is for you. With Mr. Car Salesman now babbling to himself and his smile beginning to wane, it’s time for the ultimate challenge: Drive around a while and then announce, “We’re lost. I think you need to ask someone for directions.” He can’t fake it anymore. The smile fades. He starts repeating, “Whatever you say, you’re right.” You have instant satisfaction. Now you’re the one smiling. End of test drive.
Cindy Argiento is a free-lance columnist who lives in North Carolina with her family. Her column appears weekly in the Gilroy Dispatch and Hollister Free Lance. She may be contacted at ca*******@ao*.com.
