They say a dog is man’s best friend
– but I don’t believe that for one minute. I know – I really
KNOW – that man’s best friend is the word
”
fine.
”
They say a dog is man’s best friend – but I don’t believe that for one minute. I know – I really KNOW – that man’s best friend is the word “fine.”
Men love this word. It’s a universal man-word used to mean anything from “great” to “my day really stunk, but I don’t want to discuss it right now.” Needless to say, most women are not nearly so fond of the word “fine.”
In fact, I admit freely that I hate that word. I hate it with a passion that I usually only feel when I’m at a really good shoe sale, and they are out of my size in everything except lime-green sneakers.
Of course, being a dedicated journalist – and because I needed a column topic this week – I knew that I couldn’t just run around saying I hate the word “fine.” So I conducted a few carefully controlled experiments. I have to warn you. The results of these studies aren’t pretty. Needless to say, you should not try them at home. Leave that to the trained professionals. I wish I had.
The first experiment took place last weekend, at my house. To prepare for an actual dinner date with my husband and without my child, I took a shower, blow-dried my hair, dressed myself in clean, reasonably stylish clothing that matched, and I even applied makeup – not skillfully, but I did put some on. My husband, after waiting for me to finish making myself as lovely as possible, finally walked into the bathroom and said, “You look fine. I’m starving.”
Now I ask you, what the heck does that mean? Did Harry really think the time I took to actually apply eyeliner without smearing it into my eyebrows was worth it? Or did he just not care because prime rib was waiting and he wanted to go? Who the heck knows? It’s hard to tell anything from the word “fine.”
Now let’s look at the second day of the weekend. I rolled out of bed, slapped on some sweats that didn’t match and may or may not have been washed since my last visit to the gym in 2004, and flopped a baseball cap over my head. I asked Harry how I looked. He barely glanced at me and said, “fine.”
Do you see where I’m going with this? Fine can mean anything. It can mean, “You look fantastic and I’m so happy to be seen with you,” or “Are you kidding me? What’s that smell coming from your clothes?” It doesn’t matter. It’s all the same word – and more than likely all the same meaning, too.
I don’t think this is fair. It’s not like women have a universal word. In fact, if a man took his time and prepared for a date with matching clothing and a shower, a woman would say a lot more than “fine.” She’d go on for hours about how great he looks and how happy she is to be seen with a man who bathes. And the next day, she’d call every one of her girlfriends and brag about how good her guy looked before he dumped salad dressing all over his only good shirt.
Of course, a few years ago, men caught wind of the backlash that was brewing against their overuse of the word “fine.” So they stretched it out, added some attitude to it and “fine” became “fiiinnne.” This was used to indicate that something was awesome, as in, “Baby, you look fiiinnne and so does this prime rib.”
I have to give them points for ingenuity. I mean, women all over started taking “fiiinnne” as a compliment. We actually wanted to be told we looked “fiiinnne.” But inevitably, men overused “fiiinnne” as well. Pretty soon women around the globe were screaming, “Stop saying it like that! Our children will grow up speaking in slang!” And “fiiinnne” went back to plain old “fine.”
And that’s where we are today. Stuck with an overused man-word that we don’t even understand. But the truth is, the alternative to the word “fine” is really scary. What if men started telling the truth? What if, when I asked Harry how I looked on date night, he actually answered with “You look OK. The eyeliner is a nice touch, but those pants make your butt look like the backside of the Titanic. Now can we go get prime rib?”
You know, it just may be that the word “fine” is just fine indeed.
