The New Year will arrive in a few days, and those of us who are
gifted at deep thinking have taken it upon ourselves to reflect and
to contemplate.
The New Year will arrive in a few days, and those of us who are gifted at deep thinking have taken it upon ourselves to reflect and to contemplate.
I’m pretty sure you could consider what’s been happening to me lately “contemplation.” In the past week I’ve eaten enough chocolate to send a polar bear into a coma, so I could be in some sort of shock. But I prefer to believe that in the waning moments of 2005 my inner spirit has slowed, allowing for reflection on how I will do my part to empower others and help to facilitate world peace in the year ahead.
Yes, I have made resolutions.
And I will achieve them. They will come to be because I am a person of unusual character. Also, I plan to make so many that at least a couple might work, and at my age, I’ll forget the rest.
So, here are my resolutions. They are powerful. Feel free to tap into my inner strength if it helps you get through a difficult moment. We are one. Except for those of you who make lane changes while talking on a cell phone. I won’t help those people.
In 2006:
– I will come to accept that water mains are a higher power than myself or my truck. I will not run over water valves. This happened last week, and my neighbor and I were out there with flashlights and shovels. All I had wanted to do was wash the truck.
– I will not cheer during the snowmobile-crashing segment of “Sports Disasters” on channel 183.
– I will not tell anyone that his or her dog looks fat.
– I will never again tell a woman that she looks “great, but tired.”
– I will cook a dinner for my daughter or for a friend that involves more than boiling a pot of water.
– I will ride my neighbor’s Moto Guzzi when he offers to let me ride it.
– I will not tell my daughter that she is driving too fast.
– I will not throw the basketball against the wall as hard as I can because the game is not going well for me. If other grown men want to kick the ball so hard it nearly hits the gym ceiling, or if another says “that’s it” and walks off the court, I will be mature enough to respect their feelings.
– If when stacking wood I again come across a firebelly newt, I will once again take a few minutes to check it out.
– Instead of slamming down the phone when a solicitor calls during dinner, I will calmly say, “Please, you people have got to stop calling,” before hanging up.
– I will accept the value of the “Oprah Winfrey Show,” but I will continue to believe that Tom Cruise is a strange little man and that Jim Belushi has no actual talent.
– I resolve to eat more green vegetables and drink less black coffee.
– I will achieve world domination.
That last one is something I resolve to do every year. People other than government officials need to accept the challenge of working toward world domination. And even though I am blessed with an amazing ability to underachieve, I readily accept the challenge.
My strategy for world domination fails, however, whenever I hit a water main or wig out because representatives from some company I’ve never heard of say they are suspending my account because a “third party” has accessed my information. Then I forget world domination and frantically start dialing 1-800 numbers.
But the other stuff I have a realistic shot at. So do you, if you’ll only try. Don’t be daunted. Aim lower if you need. For example, vow to have a reasonable, well-adjusted New Year. We can do it.
