A Wall Street trader recently filed suit against a strip club
for injuries he sustained during a lap dance. As unbelievable as
this sounds, his injuries were confined to the area where he keeps
his big brain
– you know, the one that does the thinking, not the one that
does the ordering of lap dances.
A Wall Street trader recently filed suit against a strip club for injuries he sustained during a lap dance. As unbelievable as this sounds, his injuries were confined to the area where he keeps his big brain – you know, the one that does the thinking, not the one that does the ordering of lap dances. Or maybe it’s all the same, I don’t know. All I know is the guy’s eye got hurt.
Turns out the lap dancer hit the guy in the eye with her shoe. Which shocked me. Who knew lap dancers wore shoes? And how many women do you know who can whack a guy in the eye while giving a lap dance? That’s one limber dancer. Seriously, put me in a pair of high heels and I can barely walk without breaking my ankle. There’s no way I’d poke someone’s eye out. Well, unless I grabbed them when I fell.
So clearly, lap dancing isn’t a career for me. I mean, if it weren’t for the whole high heels factor, there’s the dress code and we won’t even go into why I’m not suited for that. Not to mention the fact that my dancing expertise is limited to the chicken dance. There’s just nothing remotely appealing about a grown woman in high heels doing the chicken dance. I don’t even think chickens would appreciate it.
Chicken dance aside, the guy didn’t tell the club he was injured. In fact, according to the club manager, “We didn’t have any reported accidents. We have a first aid kid and we would have treated the guy or called an ambulance.” OK, maybe it’s just me, but who knows what that means? Exactly what is a first aid kid? Is it a child? A small goat? Whatever it is, it doesn’t sound like a trained paramedic is standing next to the stage, just waiting to rescue patrons from lap dances gone bad.
And if they do have a trained medic on the scene – just how common are lap-dancing injuries anyway? It’s not like it’s in the top 10 household incidents. Or maybe it is, but nobody will admit it. Maybe lap dance injuries happen all the time. Maybe the police investigating the injuries just can’t prove it, so they call it something else. Maybe at the lap dance accident scene, the police say, “You know this appears to a lap dance injury, but we can’t prove it. Let’s just call it a chicken dance gone horribly wrong.”
Are mothers around the country going to have to add the perils of lap dancing to their list of stuff a kid shouldn’t do? “Let’s see, don’t shoot a red Ryder BB gun. Don’t run with scissors. Oh, and don’t get a lap dance. That’s how cousin Joey lost his eye.”
And let’s talk about the fact that apparently nobody noticed the guy’s injury. How the heck does that work? Look, if somebody poked ME in the eye with a high-heeled shoe, you’d know it. I’d be grabbing my eye and screaming in pain. And what about the dancer? You’d think at least she would have known that her high heel had whacked him. I have never given, received or even seen a lap dance, but I’m thinking that a poke in the eye isn’t normally part of the routine. So wouldn’t she have noticed if her shoe got stuck on some guy’s eyeball?
It also turns out that the guy is married. Now, I don’t know about any of you, but I definitely would not appreciate it if one night I got a phone call from Harry telling me he had gotten a bad lap dance. See, there’s a difference between calling home and saying, “Honey, I went to dinner and I ate some bad moo-shoo; please pick me up at Saint Louise,” and “Honey, I went out for a lap dance and the dancer poked my eye out. Can you pick me up at Saint Louise?” I can tell you absolutely and for certain that his other eye would receive a matching injury. Without the lap dance, of course. No sense in both of us being guests of the hospital.
But this guy’s wife is either a very understanding woman or she’s practicing a lethal chicken dance which she will perform after he gets a settlement from the club. Personally, I hope it’s the latter. The chicken dance is a highly underrated lethal weapon.
