Ellen DeGeneres is ruining my life. Oh, she doesn’t know it. In
fact, she will probably never know it. But Ellen started a trend
and all my friends have jumped on the bandwagon
– and now I am, too.
Ellen DeGeneres is ruining my life. Oh, she doesn’t know it. In fact, she will probably never know it. But Ellen started a trend and all my friends have jumped on the bandwagon – and now I am, too.
I’m creating a life list. A life list is a list of goals you want to accomplish in the future. And as far as I can tell, in my hard-fought, three minutes of research I did on life lists, Ellen DeGeneres started these darned things. Or at least a guest on her show did.
But it doesn’t matter, because all my friends are doing them, and sadly, I’m still at the high school maturity level despite my rather advanced age, so I have to do one. I tried to resist – but I couldn’t be listless my whole life, could I?
1. Make a life list. Okay, this looks like a given. I mean, if you are making a life list, you should just sit down and do it, right? Um, not exactly. First I had to get past the twelve tons of junk mail that had been stacked up in front of the computer.
2. Wash, dry, fold and put away TWO loads of laundry in one day. Hey, nobody ever said this life list thing would be easy. It’s hard. It’s challenging. And I just hope that I can accomplish this lofty goal.
3. Wear thong underwear for an entire day without people asking “why do you look like you’re in pain today? Is anything wrong?” Again, there’s no point in making a life list if the goals are easy.
4. Teach the men in my life to leave the darned toilet seat down. This might be the biggest challenge I ever face. But it’ll be worth it. I can’t wait for the first night that I’m able to find my way into the bathroom in the dark and not fall into the deep, dark, cold waters of the toilet. And it’s worse when the waters are warm.
5. Cook something exotic that I’ve never cooked before. I’m thinking Minute Rice. I’ve always wanted to try it, but it seemed too complicated. But now that I’m energized and ready for the challenge, I think I can do it. And more importantly, I’m going to do it. I’m going to conquer the Minute Rice. I’m not going to allow it to conquer me. I just hope I don’t catch anything on fire when I do it.
6. Go to the Gilroy Outlets the Saturday before Christmas and shop without breaking down in tears or wrecking my car. I think this one speaks for itself.
7. Read a book that doesn’t have the words “parenting,” “shopping” or “a great read for fifth graders” in the title. I’m seriously thinking of expanding this goal to “read something by an author with a Russian last name and pretend to understand it.” But I think I should start small. After all, I do have other big goals on my list. I wouldn’t want to overwhelm myself.
8. Eat a new thing for dinner at least once a week. Tonight for dinner, I’m ordering the McNuggets. Who says I’m not adventurous?
9. Find my favorite black boots. In 1998, my favorite pair of black boots vanished. I spent days, weeks, months, searching the world – or at least my closet – for those boots. I couldn’t find them. In fact, I couldn’t even find any evidence that they existed. But I know they did. They were black, squishy leather with heels was just high enough to be fashionable, yet I didn’t wobble like a Weebel when I wore them.
10. Put at least ten things on my life list. No, I don’t think this is cheating. OK, maybe it is. But it’s my list and I can cheat on it if I want.
So there you have it – my life list. And now, I’ll just check #1 off the list. One down, 9 more to go.
