It’s the holidays. Time for mistletoe, pumpkin pie and men in
the shopping mall.
It’s the holidays. Time for mistletoe, pumpkin pie and men in the shopping mall.
Now most men avoid the shopping mall, unless there’s a Home Depot there. I think malls terrify them. This time of year, I see them in the outlets, wandering aimlessly, with a deer-stuck-in-the-headlights expression. They flip through racks of clothing, paw through handbags and tremble in front of the boot displays. And the men who need the most help simply break down and offer their VISA cards to any female passerby, begging for help and directions to the store exit.
It’s not a pretty sight.
And it’s even worse on the actual gift-giving day. On that day, they have to present the gift they purchased during their tour of the Mall of Terror. For those men, I present my Annual Guide to What Not To Buy for Your Significant Other.
1. A fire extinguisher. Now this sounds like a really neat gift. And most men giving fire extinguishers take care when giving them. They color coordinate the extinguisher with the kitchen décor – not an easy task. There are men who honestly believe that a fire extinguisher says, “I love you so much, I want you to be safe and happy all year long.” But your significant other hears “your cooking sucks, and I am giving you this because I fear that one day you will burn down our lovely color-coordinated kitchen.” If you value your life, you will purchase a fire extinguisher on another holiday – like Independence Day.
2. A bathrobe. Okay, the woman in your life needs a new bathrobe. So you will be a prince and buy her one. But any bathrobe you purchase will be wrong. Look, if you get a generic, blue, terrycloth bathrobe, you are sending a message. And that message is “thanks for being the love of my life, but I think you are so un-sexy that I got you a huge, blue, terrycloth one-size-fits-all bathrobe.” This is not a good message. For one thing, she may not like blue. For another thing, one-size-fits-all sounds like a good deal to most men. It means they don’t have to worry about buying something too small or too big, because one size fits every woman. Women hate this. It means that no matter how much we’ve exercised and how little we’ve eaten for the past 20 years, you still think we have a big butt.
3. Sexy lingerie. In a perfect world, you should be able to go to Victoria’s Secret and grab up some sexy stuff that isn’t one size fits all. But there isn’t a woman on earth who wants to open a see-through maid’s costume in front of her grandmother. Heaven help you if you do this. You will never, ever see your significant other in anything other than flannel pajamas again. Save the lingerie for Valentine’s Day. When you are alone. And the grandparents are in another state.
4. Anything that says “Cuisinart.” This means you want us to cook. Unless there is a diamond tennis bracelet at the bottom of the blender, you will be in trouble.
5. Anything the saleswoman has tried on. Look, it’s easy to walk up to a saleswoman, plead ignorance of shopping malls and have her pick out a couple of outfits for you to buy. And yeah, it sounds like a good idea to have a saleswoman who is just about the same size as your wife model them for you, so you can make sure they will fit and look good. After all, you are just trying to get the most thoughtful gift possible, right? Wrong. We don’t want you getting a free fashion show by someone who probably has her original waistline all in the guise of getting us a nice present.
6. A disco ball. When we ask for something round and shiny, we want diamonds. Not disco.
Of course, all you men out there could just do what Harry does. He lets me do the shopping. I just call him from the mall and let him know that I have found the perfect gift for me. I can have them hold it, and he can brave the Mall of Terror. Or I can just buy it myself and have the store wrap it.
He always chooses well.
