The pain! The torture! The hemorrhaging of cash!
Monterey resident Darek Janczy, 38, stares blankly at the crowded expanse of parking lot in front of him at the Gilroy Premium Outlets, absent-mindedly sucking down his decaf mocha frappuccino from the local Starbucks.
Yep, like the 20-odd other men leaned up against buildings, scuffing their shoes on the concrete or wandering the parking lot, Janczy is shopping … with his wife. It’s a pastime that’s considered among the most unbearable in the lore of manhood, yet here they are, accompanying wives, girlfriends and mothers who didn’t have another way to get to the mall or “just wanted to pick up a couple of things.”
Most men sit and wait patiently, easing up to a chair inside the store or taking a seat on the benches that dot the commercial mecca, their eyes glazing over or intently focused on the study of sidewalk cracks. Some pass the time chatting with other men in the same predicament. Others read books or sip coffee like Janczy, but not every guy is on his best behavior when it’s time to shop.
“I was working at a department store in San Jose years ago, and a guy brought in his TV set,” said Sue Hanson, a sales associate at Jones New York. “He had this little set, and he asked me where the plug was. I pointed to it; he plopped right on the floor in front of it and watched Monday Night Football.”
Other guys, stifled by boredom, resort to sarcasm, exasperation and foot tapping, according to clerks, but all of that can be avoided with a little creative planning, they said.
“Bring a book or a video game if that’s what you like,” said Alecxis Lara, a male sales associate at the Natrualizer outlet. “Don’t suggest things for your wife. Just sit back and stay away. It’ll get you in less trouble.”
Morgan Hill resident Eric Tomasetti, 32, follows his girlfriend through the store, helping her out as much as he can, but when he’s had his fill, he goes to look for things that please him instead.
“If it’s just an hour or so, I’m fine,” said Tomasetti, “but five and I’ll complain. In between, I kind of wander off and go into the stores I like, too. I like to shop, but I’d say don’t go if you don’t like it.”
No matter how much a man may want to spend time with his wife or girlfriend, unless he’s a shopper, hours at the mall are a recipe for disaster, according to Hollister resident Lauren Filice, who was browsing the racks at local stores last Wednesday.
So, men, do yourselves a favor and stay home. You may not get to share your mall-weary battle stories at the water cooler, but at least you’ll be able to grab a beer and prop yourself up on your own recliner for Monday Night Football.
Top 10 things not to say to a woman shopping
10. “No.”
9. “Ewww.”
8. “But we’ve been shopping for six hours!”
7. “Don’t you already have three of those?”
6. “What do you think about this pair?”
5. “That doesn’t fit.”
4. “Shouldn’t you be wearing a smaller size?”
3. “Don’t you think that makes you look kind of big?”
2. “Who do you think you are? Cindy Crawford?”
1. “Yes, you do look fat in that.”
